Through the exhausting 200-page novel “Crippled America,” Donald Trump steers you erratically from topic to topic as you’re forced to sit helplessly in the passenger seat. The overall tone of the piece is a stunningly dead-on reflection of Trump’s meandering, incessantly self-aggrandizing ethos, and as you’d expect, it regularly veers into incoherent asides (often taking place on his “magnificent” golf courses). Every chapter reminds you that the piece, which is essentially a drawn-out self-advertisement, encapsulates the maniacal, off-the-cuff, impromptu wildness that is Trump. In sum, I got the sense that Trump really did write “Crippled America.”
By the numbers
My intent was to produce some quantitative analysis of “Crippled America” so that, even without reading it, you can tell by the numbers how silly it is. In all, Trump refers to his hotels an astounding 51 times, or around once every four pages. On page one, line two, he uses the word “loser” right out of the gate. In total, Trump writes the words “win,” “winning,” or “winner,” “lose,” “losing,” or “loser” a total of 63 times. In a particularly vapid rant, he uses “winner” and “loser” 10 times in seven pages. I get the impression that Trump sees the world through a very much black-and-white lens where there is a stark dichotomy between winners and losers—and big surprise: he’s one of the only winners. Throughout all of the 17 chapters, nearly every chapter ends with the phrase “Lets make America great again.” Twenty-one times in all.
Contradictions
“Crippled America” is a bizarre read for many reasons, but one of the strangest things about the book is that Trump routinely contradicts himself. In several of the chapters, he flatly undermines the points he’s trying to make. The list of contradictions and mutually incompatible claims is enormous, but here are several that I thought were hilarious:
—“I use the media the way the media uses me—to attract attention,” he writes. Just a couple of pages later, he proudly boasts that he doesn’t crave media attention at all.
—“Right now we are in bad shape, militarily.” This one he didn’t waste any time on at all. On the exact same page, he says he’s glad that “America has the most advanced and muscular military in the world.”
—When he’s talking about economic policy, he posits that companies that move jobs to China are responsible for “ruining our economy,” then in the same chapter, he brazenly brags Trump-brand products that are made in China. He doubles down on this one, writing that he’s “actually a landlord to China’s biggest bank”.
—Trump regularly (at least five times) insists that we, as a nation, ought to maintain a “strong adherence to the constitution.” This one’s particularly good, because he’s the only candidate (he makes that very clear) who wants to abolish an entire amendment of the constitution (the 14th Amendment).
—Trump spends the first half of the book bashing “experts and career politicians,” unsurprisingly given his target demographic. But in the second half of the book, his so-called “unique” policy solutions on issues ranging from education to the economy articulate that literally locking up experts in a room “until they find a solution” is the most optimal way to fix whatever the problem may be.
—In his chapter on guns in America, Trump says multiple times that our crime rate is quickly getting out of control (a claim that’s flatly false by the numbers). But the contradiction comes when he repeatedly raves about how “our police do an amazing job.” In this same chapter, Trump touts and supports the Supreme Court’s rulings on guns, just several chapters after angrily ranting about how wrong the Supreme Court is on so many issues.
Plan?
The Trump plan for re-greatening America is, basically, to have other people figure something out. He’s so star-spangledly patriotic that he says “Make America Great again” 21 times in the novel but never, in any coherent way, explains what the hell that even means. The “again” part makes me feel uneasy as to exactly what time in American history Trump wants to take us back to. If you’re looking for any sort of explanation for precisely how Trump will Make America Great Again—perhaps some sort of clearly delineated policy objectives—well, friends, I’m sad to say you’ll be disappointed. There is a chapter in “Crippled America” titled “Winning Again,” which you’d think might lay out some sort of comprehensive strategy, but instead offers this: “Iron Mike Tyson once explained his philosophy, saying, ‘Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth’ and that we should “Spend whatever it takes to throw that punch.”
The media
Right in the first chapter of “Crippled America,’ Don explains that he makes outrageous comments on purpose: “I’m a businessman with a brand to sell. When was the last time you saw a sign hanging outside a pizzeria claiming ‘The fourth best pizza in the world’?! But now I am using those talents, honed through years of tremendous success, to inspire people to think that our country can get better and be great again and that we can turn things around.” Just a few pages later, he states, “I make outrageous comments to give them what they want.”
He reaffirms this notion throughout the book, but is outraged by the result.
Trump spends an exhausting amount of time assuring you that he has a thick skin, constantly reminding you how many big businessmen he’s stood up to during his tenure in his industry. Yet, throughout “Crippled America,” he mocks and complains about the media’s coverage of him 39 separate times. Between explaining the so-called attacks and “debunking them,” Trump uses at least 20 pages of the book on this subject alone. The cries begin in chapter two. Early on in the chapter, he says twice that he has “thick skin.” But his resolve quickly fades over the course of the chapter, and he complains about the media’s “unprofessional coverage” of him 12 times in 10 short pages. The “attacks” range from asking him tough questions at presidential debates, to the comments made about his hair. Using this book, talk shows, debates, and campaign speeches were not enough whining for Trump, though. Just this last weekend, he used another platform, Saturday Night Live, to protest what people say about him.
Here’s a brief list of possible, or quasi-substantive policy objectives that I managed to procure along with several random facts and quotes from the mostly incoherent mess that is “Crippled America.”
Quotes
—“ISIS ended up with oil in Syria in Iraq that we should have taken!”
—“Use guns for protection, sport shooting, or any other purpose.”
—“There are some things so obvious that even Joe Biden can see them.” and “When Joe Biden sees it, you know it’s bad!”
—On his upbringing: “Believe me, he [his father] didn’t hand us anything” “It’s not fun being a landlord”
—“I think the bible is the most important book ever written, and perhaps The Art of the Deal [Trump’s last book] is second”
—“I’m totally against the department of education”
—“Put the discipline back in schools”
—“Mistaken belief that global climate change is caused by carbon emissions”
—”None of the other candidates would even qualify as a contestant on the apprentice”
Policy
—Supports cutting all foreign aid
—Denounces the idea that we should speak soft with a big stick: In typical Trump fashion, he believes we ought to be as loud, brutish, and war-driven as possible.
—Proposes increased fracking
—Makes it clear that he’s against investing in the space program
—Proposes tax bracket cap of 25 percent—the lowest tax rate since WWII
—Corporate tax bracket cap of 15 percent
—Proposes the privatization of public schools, all hospitals, the V.A, and the military
Random facts
—Randomly puts seven pages of photos of his buildings in
—List of reasons he sealed the deal on a large construction project in the ’90s: “Number one—we’re really good and number four—we’re EXCELLENT”
—Says the word “golf” nine times on a single page
—Claims to own 71 total buildings and golf courses
Frankie Boyle, a columnist for the Guardian, summed up “Crippled America” succinctly: “Donald Trump, who at best looks like a plughole in an orangutan sanctuary, is probably only running for president because this dimension doesn’t have a Superman he can give a hard time to. His hair, looking like a slovenly, postcoital cat, is actually one of the least weird things about him. He is lacking in charm or wit and is almost ferociously inarticulate. The US public has identified with him strongly. It seems that the electorate, possibly bored with rational thought, is toying with the idea of cutting out the middleman and just electing one of the business class through sheer force of Stockholm syndrome.”
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