Dr. G Hits the Spot: Goooooooooooooo cougars!

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Dear Dr. G,

I’m a 26-year-old single guy. I’m not interested in dating or hanging out with girls my age, but I am noticing quite a few older single women around town (and even some of my mom’s friends) who are quite friendly, very attractive, and kind of flirty. Is it strange that I’m turned on by them?  Do I have some hidden mommy issues?

Normal guy?

Dear Normal guy?

Ever heard of BYU? Cougars? Four losses in a row. How? Why? I find the sad state of Provo football affairs quite self-metaphorical as of late. In the last year, I too have had four losses while “playing the field,” as it were. I don’t want to completely blame Coach Mendenhall for the football game losses, but I’m happy to hand my sexual escapade fiascos to him in their entirety.  Not because he was involved (although he was my home teacher), but because I’d like to blame someone else. Period. 

I’m a cougar.  Here’s how it happened.  After my LDS mission to Quebec, Canada, I attended and graduated from BYU.  My alma mater’s mascot is a cougar with the name Cosmo. We all know that Cosmo is a magazine for women featuring sex, fashion, dating advice, etc., so it just begs the question as to how anyone can come out of that school touting the words “cougar” and “Cosmo” without some sexual healing? My only answer is “I don’t know, but I didn’t get any!”  (Also, it could have something to do with the honor code.) 21 years of marriage later, I jumped back into “single” status and, as a 40-plus woman, I was quickly drafted onto the cougar team, but this time, I wasn’t a spectator.  (For those of you hiding under rocks, coming out only to read Dr. G’s sex advice column every other week, thank you.  Also, a “cougar” is the name for a single older woman having or seemingly being available for a sexual relationship with a younger, hopefully single man.) Mind you, I didn’t know I was going to be classified as such; truth be told, I didn’t know the designation existed until I found myself scantily clad in skimpy animal-print attire, holding hands while singing “Kumbaya” with my new St. George cougar friends. (And yes, there is a cougar plethora here.)   

What about this new sexual openness that seems to harken somewhat back to the ‘60s, where free love and VW buses were all the rage (and I was 3 years old-ish?) What is it about and why is it or isn’t it okay?  I can’t give a universal answer to that question, but I do have some theories.  Free love, and its definition, came to be under the auspices that issues such as sex and marriage and intimate experiences were the concern of the people involved and no one else. Quite frankly, the cougar movement (not that there is a formal one, but informally, it is definitely out there) falls under that same definition: Young guys hooking up with older women, with neither side having expectations or emotional ties.  The draw for the youngsters, according to Wikipedia, is that “older women know what they want, and they tend to have their shit together.” That’s a stereotype if I’ve ever heard one, and it’s not all that accurate, from my cougar powwow experiences. 

As a therapist, I’ve had more than one young guy in my office lamenting about the older women he has been with who have caused him to be unsatisfied with women his own age.  I have also had a mature woman or two in my office beaming with pride over the fact that they are in the cougar club.  With females, the tables seem to turn with age concerning sexual control and satisfaction.  Women who, in their younger years, used to be wallflowers waiting to be picked by an admirer seem to be scouting out their prey, and are claiming their bounty with some fairly accurate aim.  While at the same time, males who are not quite ready to take on the role of husband or provider have figured out that hooking up with older women allows for both having fun and being fancy-free.  

For the record, there is a dating algorithm for age appropriateness floating around that says “half your age plus seven.”  I’m not sure who made it up or even where I heard it, but it is fairly generous… the older you get.  One way or the other, if you do decide to run a few plays remember that it’s a jungle out there!