Dear Dr. G,
I’m wondering if I am an outlier in the sexual fantasy arena. I have fantasies about all sorts of sexual things, but when I share them with my spouse, they are not received very well. I end up feeling dumb for even talking about them, and then I kind of just want to go act them out with someone else. I have never had an affair, but I would like to watch my wife with another man. I also have a lot of irreverent fantasies about when and where I would like to have sex. I don’t fantasize about kids or animals or anything too far out there, but I do have sexual thoughts a lot. Can you tell if I am weird?
Twisted Mister
This column comes with a cautionary warning: acting out sexual fantasies is rarely, if ever, helpful when attempting to save a failing, troubled relationship.
Dear Twisted Mister,
No, I can’t actually tell if you are weird. For one thing, weird isn’t a diagnosis. For another thing, the opposite of weird is normal, and no one is normal, so is anyone weird? Twisted or not, sexual fantasies happen to be common.
In fact, last month in the Journal of Sexual Medicine a study was published titled, What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy? The results of the study, which included over 1500 participants, found that nearly every respondent answered “yes” when asked if they had sexual fantasies.
I believe that is a fairly good indicator that you are not alone with your thoughts. Hooray, right? Interestingly, of the 55 varied fantasies presented in the study, only five of them were considered “common” among the respondents. This statistic, along with the rest of the study, led researches to the conclusion that while sexual fantasies vary greatly among the general population, few can be considered statistically rare or unusual.
Curiosity kills the cat, and since we don’t need a bunch of dead kitties in our city (I can almost hear the chorus of meows as I write), I’ve listed those five common fantasies:
Feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship
Fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important
Fantasies involving a romantic location
Fantasies about receiving oral sex
Fantasies (for men) about having sex with two women
As you can see, sexual fantasies involving the where and when of sex (irreverent or not) place you in good company. Quite unsurprising and fairly stereotypical were the stats that showed men scoring higher than women in amount of sexual fantasies they have, and in their desire to act out their fantasies with a partner.
Regarding whether having a certain sexual fantasy is strange, you could check in to see if it falls under pathological. In the case of fantasies, it is pathological if it involves distress, dysfunction, or action on a non-consenting person.
So, for example, while dreaming about sleeping with two consenting women is common, fantasizing about having sex with an animal or raping someone is not. Since the fantasies you mentioned aren’t considered pathological, you probably fall under the category of creative. And who doesn’t want a creative sexual partner? (That’s rhetorical)
When it comes to adding a 3rd person to your relationship (in your case, another sexual partner for your wife while you watch), it can be like playing with gasoline and matches; very exciting, but it can very easily get out of control, and someone (or two) can get badly burned.
For this particular scenario, both partners really have to be in sync and 100% on board. There must be a mad level of respect and self-control, along with the ability to detach, pull back, and dial it down if someone gets uncomfortable. THIS is crucial, and quite frankly, not many people have the maturity (especially if sexual repression is part of their past) to stick with the agreed upon course of deactivation if needed once the party starts.
To the issue of receiving a negative response when you share your sexual ideas with your spouse, I am going to assume that there are negative emotions like anger, fear, sadness, or disgust coupled with rejection coming from her (not because I like to assume drama, but because that has been my experience when couples come in to discuss this issue).
If this is the case in your situation, you two might want to meet with a coach or a therapist who could help with intimacy issues. When I say intimacy, I’m not referring to anything sexual (although that might be helpful as well), rather I am intimating that your spouse might be uncomfortable with the way she feels about you or herself when she hears your fantasies involving situations other than the acceptable “missionary position” in bed.
That kind of reaction has to do with her sense of personal worth, self-esteem, the guilt/shame thing, and/or a moral value system that is black and white more than it has to do with sexual fantasies themselves. Also, keep in mind that there may have been some undisclosed sexual trauma in your partner’s past (this is more common than any of us want to admit), so the rejection isn’t necessarily aimed at you or because of you, or because of the nature of the fantasies, though it may very well feel like it is. Again, a 3rd party can be helpful when trying to defray highly charged emotions surrounding sensitive issues in relationships.
Sexual fantasies can and do add excitement and ignite passion for many relationships, but they also have the ability to drive a wedge if approached without honest, open communication and a healthy dose of reality. If you’ve got those skills down, then, by all means, follow Aerosmith and, “Dream on. Dream on. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.”
Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank is a licensed associate mental health counselor. She has a bachelor’s degree in special education, and a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. (“Dr. G” is her pen name. She isn’t a REAL doctor.)
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