Dr. G Hits the Spot: Senior games; sex after 50

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Dear Dr. G,

My wife and I are both 50, and we have been happily married for over 28 years now. We have not had any issues with sex as far as liking being together. We are still in love, and happy as a couple, but things are kind of boring.  There are many times I want to try something new, but I feel embarrassed about it, and I am worried that my wife might think I’m deviant. Some things that I think I would like to try are ideas that I was taught were taboo when I was a teenager.  I don’t really believe that anymore, but I worry that she might.  What is the best way to approach this subject?

Needs salt and pepper

Dear Needs salt and pepper,

With the Hunstman World Senior Games on our front doorstep here in St. George, there’s no better time to address sex after 50.  It’s real.  It’s fun.  And, HELL YES!  (Without many details, I’ll just have to assume that when you say “something new,” you are referring to sex toys, different sexual positions, and *cough* the Southern Hemisphere.) So, let’s dive headfirst into your question.  

What is the best way to approach my partner about new sexual ideas?  This question could probably be rephrased to say, how can I share my fantasies with my partner without feeling guilt and shame?  Well, you could bring out the bottle of tequila, some shot glasses, and the old spice rack and announce, “Hey baby, all inhibitions need to vanish because you and I are going to attempt to spice things up around here!” But, my guess is that you might want to take a softer approach, considering you are asking this question in the first place.  (Personally, I’d think you were hilarious if you did that, but I ain’t yer spouse!)   

The two of you have obviously solved many problems together, so you probably have quite a good “dance” you do when it comes to communicating well.  However, this particular subject does tend to have some anxiety attached to it, and your worries are fairly similar to a lot of clients I’ve talked with about this subject.  My go-to response for so many questions is this: Honesty is the best policy.  Being honest about your desires and passions is actually one of the best ways to connect with a partner. Sharing those thoughts put us in a vulnerable place, but it also allow the other person to meet us in that scary space.  We can also learn a lot about the other person when we see their reaction to such authenticity.  

If your partner is willing to discuss your ideas and understands your motivation (spicing things up, rekindling passion), chances are better that they will respond with a positive tone.  If you are met with negativity, disgust, and rejection, there may be some other personal or couple issues at play.  Lack of emotional safety is often the culprit when those negative responses arise.  Most of the time, when partners feel comfortable in a relationship, they are willing to delve into uncharted territory; some take baby steps, while others are willing to run full speed ahead. Neither is right or wrong.

It takes a patient partner to bring out the “native” in those who feel awkward.  In any marriage or sexual partnership, there is bound to be one partner who feels more inhibited than the other.  Inhibition isn’t necessarily negative, but understanding where it comes from isn’t a bad thing, either.  Family and upbringing has quite a bit to do with sexual repression and/or expression.  Early sexual experiences also impact sexual openness.  And, of course, religion (good vs. bad) tends to play a bigger part than it should in the bedroom, because many belief systems dictate what is or isn’t appropriate sexually for their followers.  Asking questions and validating the responses you get will probably go pretty far when it comes to understanding your partner’s inhibitions and ways to get past them. 

One way or the other, it can be awkward for long-term partners to cross into new sexual territory, because routine is often safe and acceptable.  Not having all the answers or the perfect technique can be daunting for some.  However, as a reassuring end note, keep in mind that there is data suggesting that women become less inhibited as they age, and become more comfortable with who they are.  All of that plays into improved sexual functioning and performance.  Your spouse may very well have some of the same ideas and fantasies you have, but hesitates to express them for the same reasons you’ve given.  Ask and you shall receive… because, you never know.  😉

Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank is a licensed associate mental health counselor. She has a bachelor’s degree in special education, and a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. (“Dr. G” is her pen name. She isn’t a REAL doctor.)