DSU food court introduces new bison burger
This week, the food court at Dixie State University proudly launched its new signature entrée: The Dixie Ancestor Heritage Red Rock Legacy Pioneer Bison Burger.
The burger is made from a lean, 4-percent-organic all-bison ground corpse paste that according to the university website is seasoned with “subterfuge and treason” and seared to perfection by the rage of the DSU Board of Regents. It is topped with pickles, onions, tomato, an unnerving whitish goop that was only referred to as “bison sauce,” and lettuce cut into the shape of a dollar sign and served on a white and delightsome bun with DSU’s signature Failure Fries.
Students immediately responded to the new menu item, noting that while DSU devours itself itself alive, the student body can feel like a part of the fun by feasting upon the only-partially-rotten remains of its own mascot, Bozo the Bison, or whatever.
“This burger is great!” raved Bread Flopsy, a Made-Up History major from Chuckles, Colorado. “While the administration cannibalizes student’s fees and throws them in the pile with the other hidden millions for Allah knows what sinister purposes, I get a feeling of vindication by devouring the corpse of our mascot. Wow, DSU really is a progressive university.”
The launch of the new burger is part of the university’s “Status to Suture” mission to appear as if it’s something more than a bloated community college run by church-and-state-sanctioned embezzling hoodlums and to attempt to distract from numerous lawsuits and federal investigations — and its effect on school spirit was palpable.
“In a way, it’s sort of like transubstantiation, except I’m literally eating the body of our mascot instead of a cracker made out of first-century Jew,” said Booty Scrumson, an Enchanted Undergarment Design major from Misery, Nevada. “It’s something I couldn’t have done with the Red Storm. I guess devouring the corpse of that mascot would involve eating, like, a used tampon or something, or maybe like soiled maxi-pad soup.”
“Anything for a break from ramen, though,” Scrumson added.
Since the burger’s debut, it has been a huge hit among the student body with only 12 diners succumbing to food poisoning in the first week.
“I’m so glad that I can literally have our university mascot deep inside me,” raved Bulinda Lunt, a Reformed Egyptian major from Turd, Idaho. “Maybe it was ironic to name a university after what that the people whose lands our Mormon ancestors rightfully stole had for lunch, but I think it’s kind of hot. Like, I’m really into shame porn — which is why I moved to an area named after its inability to support cotton plants. So just thinking about Bugsy the Bison or whatever his name is being mere centimeters from my fallopian tubes is simply sublime.”
Red-eyed and stinking of skunkweed, DSU Holy Emperor Biff “The Spliff” Williams was spotted stumbling out of the Blaze Trailer, wiping bison sauce from his chin with what appeared to be a disabled transgender African American student’s scholarship application. He was nearly reached for comment before shrieking and sprinting into a nearby women’s restroom. He could not be reached for comment as the reporter’s arms were simply not long enough.
In related news, SUU’s Thunderbird Wings were quickly discontinued after a student was electrocuted to death.
Editor’s Note: This piece is satire. DSU’s mascot, Bambi the Bison, or whatever, isn’t even interesting as actual food.
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As usual, your crudity, mockery and disparagement of things you don’t agree with knows no bounds. The joke’s on you.
Perhaps you do not realize that such unqualified and unsupported statements as these translate to the rest of us merely as “boo hoo,” and thus I see no reason not to take this one as an oblique if unintended compliment — yet another precious snowflake successfully triggered — and so I do.
Wow, dude. Even your humor pieces are filled with sardonic rage. I’ll never understand how the masses are so easily lead around by the nose. That isn’t meant to be read into, it’s just a general observation of humanity in general.
Especially in today’s environment, where the campaign of division is at the highest point I’ve seen in my lifetime, it can be easy to make many assumptions about what a person listens to, watches, reads, etc. but as much as I try to check myself in those areas, an obvious pattern still emerges in your writing; just looking at the world around you with contempt. Is it contempt for the people themselves? Is it contempt for the people who influence them? Is it contempt for human nature in general? Is it the outward expression of contempt for yourself? I don’t know the answer to these but I don’t think I’ve met a person yet, who is generally a positive influence on the people and world around them who writes like this. I can only hope you are an exception to that statistical observation. If not, I hope time and self reflection gives you a better outlook and better ideas for how to affect the world around you because right now, it just comes off, to me, as another member of a gigantic hate cult.
And there’s just too many of those in the world already.
Always nice to hear from a fan. I’m imagining how your head would explode were you to read Dave Barry’s column, Woody Allen’s essays, or — god forbid — The Onion.