We are in the early stages of mood forecasting technology that could help stop bad moods even before they strike.
We are in the early stages of mood forecasting technology that could help stop bad moods even before they strike.

Are you dying to know tomorrow’s mood today?

According to NBC News, we are in the early stages of mood forecasting technology that could help stop bad moods even before they strike.

No, this is a different story than the one about using surplus North Korean missiles to take out your lowlife cousin’s Winnebago before he can embark on a month-long visit, although that too could stop bad moods before they strike.

NBC says wearable devices with special apps could track our psychological health by recording our heart rate, perspiration, sleep patterns, skin temperature, propensity for shouting back at the &^%$# NBC reporters, and other factors.

Mental health professionals loathe to think about it that way, but yes, essentially we are talking about a souped-up version of that 1970s fad, the mood ring. No telling what other long-ago fads we can put to work predicting various activities and conditions. Maybe a solar-powered hula hoop to indicate that ovulation is in your future. Or a Cabbage Patch doll that develops diaper rash six hours before you misuse the word “literally.”

If the technology can prevent suicidal or homicidal episodes, I am all for it. I just hope it doesn’t get trivialized predicting less urgent situations: “At 12:15 p.m. tomorrow, you’ll probably feel a mite peckish. At 3:07, you could get too big for your britches. At 7:03, there is a distinct possibility of getting a case of the heebie jeebies.”

Researchers and private companies are working to develop devices and software that not only detect and interpret our biomarkers but also respond with helpful advice for micro-adjustments. This might include encouraging you to phone a friend, take a walk around the block, buy the extended warranty on happiness, flap your arms and squawk like a chicken, etc. Regrettably, statistics show that this last tip would do relatively little to keep you from erupting into road rage the next day, but it would work wonders for the morale of the bored, listless drudges analyzing the data.

Right now, the best devices are achieving only 75–80 percent accuracy in making behavioral predictions 24 hours in advance. Until that improves, let’s install safeguards against anyone using computer models to make long-term forecasts. I don’t want to hear that Logan’s yawning or Brittany’s rapid eye-blinking means polar bears are going to be piling up in our coastal areas in 10 years.

According to a recent survey, some people welcome the chance to stave off potentially fatal behavior while others are more concerned about the privacy of the mounds of data being collected. They worry that the information will go beyond doctors and be exploited by unscrupulous employers and others.

Who knows? Maybe former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe would pull you aside and confide, “Based on that persistent nasal whistling, some of your casual acquaintances and I have decided to oust you as room parent.”

Of course, overcoming the patient’s denial is going to be a big part of the effectiveness of mood-forecasting devices. That reminds me of coming home one day when my son Gideon was a preschooler and finding him unmistakably grouchy.

“Boy, somebody is in a bad mood today.”

“No!” he screeched as he flailed his arms and stomped his feet. “I am not in a bad mood. I am in a good mood!

I should’ve said, “Bad news, son. Your birthday gift was in your cousin’s Winnebago.”

The viewpoints expressed above are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Independent.

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Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers. Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998. Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper. Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998. Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana. Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

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