Ask not for whom the horn honks ... just after 2 a.m ... for 20 painful minutes. It honks for thee.
Ask not for whom the horn honks … just after 2 a.m … for 20 painful minutes. It honks for thee.

For whom the horn honks

During the years I lived in Manhattan, I got used to sleeping through screeching sirens, revving engines, and even, sadly, the occasional cry for help. Here in Central California, things are so quiet that a falling pine cone can be jarring.

Which brings me to the other night, just after 2 a.m., when I twisted and turned for 20 painful minutes, wondering why someone in the neighborhood would be blowing a car horn nonstop.

With my wife fretting and our Shih Tzu yapping, I stepped outside to investigate. In the driveway, where it has been parked during recent storms, my son’s 1998 Pontiac Grand Am hardtop was honking at a volume that would have been annoying in mid-afternoon but in the dead of night was positively deafening.

Danny was in New York, having left his car in my care. When I unlocked it and got in, my feet plunged into several inches of water.

The engine wouldn’t start — no surprise there. Yet the horn blared on, seemingly louder than before, which was confounding.

For some reason, my mind ran to semantics. If I were to phone Triple A, would I say that my car’s horn was stuck because the vehicle was “leaking”? That didn’t seem right. When a car leaks oil, for example, the stuff spills out. When a pipe under your sink leaks, water drips onto the floor. But does the word “leak” apply when water collects inside a car?

If not leak, then what? “My car is absorbing water?” “Retaining water?” I was paralyzed by a loss for words.

In my delirium, I puzzled over what to call the thing you push to blow the horn. It’s not a button or switch. What is that soft area in the center of the steering wheel? The honker? Could this be the only part of a car without a name?

After determining that I had neither the knowledge nor the nerve to fiddle with wet wires under the hood, I decided the only course was to drain the battery — hopefully before the police showed up.

I turned on the headlights, the defroster, the windshield wipers, and the radio, which happened to be playing “Lady Marmalade,” the 1974 tune by Patti LaBelle. My mind ran to volume. Would the battery drain faster if the volume were turned way up?

I had wiper blades scraping, cold air pouring from the defroster, incessant honking, and “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” at max volume.

After 15 more minutes, which seemed like 115, everything stopped.

Back inside, my wife Amy, who is quite the night owl, was watching the soggy 1997 film “Titanic,” in which Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet would have happily settled for a transportation problem as mundane as a stuck horn. I imagined Jack Dawson telling Danny’s car not to give up, “no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless.”

To my surprise, three plaintive toots — more like whimpers than full blown honks — came from the driveway. But before I could reach the door, the Grand Am fell silent.

The viewpoints expressed above are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Independent.

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Peter Funt
In print and on television, Peter Funt continues the Funt Family tradition of making people smile – while examining the human condition. After 15 years hosting the landmark TV series “Candid Camera,” Peter writes frequent op-eds for The Boston Globe and The Wall Street Journal as well as his weekly column distributed by the Cagle Cartoon Syndicate. His writing contains the same pointed social observations that have made “Candid Camera” so popular since its invention by Peter’s dad, Allen, back in 1947. His new book, "Cautiously Optimistic," takes America's temperature in six-dozen essays, guaranteed to make readers think and smile. It's available at Amazon.com and through CandidCamera.com. Peter is a frequent speaker before business groups and on college campuses, using the vast “Candid Camera” library to bring his points to life. His newest presentation for corporate audiences, “The Candid You,” draws upon decades of people-watching to identify factors that promote better communication and productivity. Details about Peter Funt’s speaking engagements are available at: www.CandidCamera.com. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naYXOGIktsw for video. Peter hosted the newest versions of “Candid Camera” in recent years with Suzanne Somers and Dina Eastwood, with complete collections now available on DVD. Peter Funt actually made his first appearance on “Candid Camera” when he and the legendary series were each just three years old. Peter posed as a shoeshine boy who charged $10 per shoe! Since that time he has appeared in hundreds of “Candid Camera” sequences, hosted over 200 network episodes. In addition to his hidden-camera work, Peter Funt has produced and hosted TV specials on the Arts & Entertainment and Lifetime cable networks. He also spent five years as an editor and reporter with ABC News in New York. Earlier in his career, Peter wrote dozens of articles for The New York Times and TV Guide about television and film. He was editor and publisher of the television magazine On Cable. And he authored the book "Gotcha!" for Grosset & Dunlap on the lost art of practical joking. Peter’s essay on the evolution of television is included in “The Story of American Business,” published in 2009 by Harvard Business Press. Peter also follows in his father's footsteps as President of Laughter Therapy Foundation, a non-profit organization started by Allen Funt in 1982. Drawing from the Candid Camera library, Laughter Therapy sends special videos, at no charge, to critically ill people throughout the U.S. When Peter took over as host of the CBS specials, "Variety" wrote: "The latest new 'Candid Camera' specials seem to be getting funnier. Peter Funt is as personable as his dad..." Following Candid Camera's Battle of the Sexes special, "The Hollywood Reporter" observed: "This show is great fun. Peter Funt has a remarkably effective presence." Peter Funt received his degree in journalism from the University of Denver. In 2010 he returned to the Denver campus to be honored as a Master Scholar in Arts and Humanities. He is a past winner of the annual Silurian's Award for radio news reporting, for his ABC News coverage of racial disturbances in Asbury Park, NJ. Peter is founder of the Monterey County Young Journalists program in California, which provides hands-on training for high school students pursuing careers in news. He also inaugurated the Courtroom Journalism competition in Monterey County in conjunction with the Lyceum Organization, and conducts a similar statewide event for the Constitutional Rights Foundation in Los Angeles, as part of its Mock Trial program. Peter resides in Central California with his wife, Amy, and two children, Stephanie and Danny. His favorite pastimes are golf, baseball, tennis and people-watching.

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