If you are reading this, you must have found out your friend or someone you love is vegan, and your life may be feeling like it has flipped upside down and sideways. You may be feeling lost, betrayed, or abandoned. This is normal, but there is no need to worry. By following this guide, you will learn how to dine with a vegan and be able to have a successful time dining out with your herbivore.
Vegan (Vee’-gan), noun: A person who does not eat or use animal products or understand the value of tasting juicy meat on a daily basis and is most likely mentally unstable.
If you see one, buy them bacon, hotdogs, or a cheeseburger immediately.
Organize a “vegervention.”
If all else fails, run away. They cannot be trusted.
Deciding where to go
Taking them to Famous Dave’s BBQ, Outback Steakhouse, or Texas Roadhouse is a great way to let them know what they are missing out on. However, make sure to text and ask which of those three they would like best so your vegan feels like they have options.
You want to make sure you order for your veggie friend so they don’t make the mistake of not ordering any animal products. A raw steak with a side of ribs and a buttery biscuit will do just fine. If they try to let the waiter know they are vegan, the only option is to tell the waiter they are obviously mentally unstable.
Things may feel awkward as you chomp down on your bleeding cheeseburger in front of your vegan. A joke will surely clear any awkward tension you may be feeling. Saying something like, “Well, I think this cow died for a good cause: to feed the hungry, like me,” will definitely open up the conversation and make them feel welcomed and accepted.
If that doesn’t work, it is time to for a “vegervention.” You need to let them know that it isn’t too late to change and that you are there for them. Asking these questions will have them back to breaking crab legs in no time:
—“Isn’t it really hard to be vegan?” Remind your friend that they are a minority and is really not making a difference in the world.
—“Where do you get all your protein?” Vegans need to be reminded that meat is the only source of protein on the food pyramid. Counsel your friend to think about the short life ahead of them if they continue eating a plant-based diet. If they start to explain that you can get protein from many greens, beans, and grains, simply state they have been brainwashed by tree huggers and it needs to come to a stop.
—“How do you survive without meat and dairy in your life?” Taste is everything. When all else fails, remind them of their never ending love for cheese. One cannot live without cheese. Also, one cannot live without bacon. Forget Wilbur, bacon is life.
—“Do you eat fish?” If they answer no, let them know that fish are not animals and therefore cannot feel any pain. This means they can be gutted and gobbled guilt free!
—“Why don’t you want to drink milk?” This question will definitely stump your vegan friend. If cows are always lactating, we as humans need to make sure all their milk does not go to waste. In a nice way, let your friend know they are actually being a wasteful human being.
—“You are going to die if you don’t eat meat!” Although this isn’t an actual question, it is a good statement to throw out. Ask why they think living on plants alone if a good, healthy idea. You don’t want to scare them, but they need to know that the life they are living will leave one with weak bodies and a short life. It is just that simple: us or the animals.
After enjoying your lunch together, it is time for dessert. Feel free to order for your vegan friend here as well. You don’t want them missing out on something containing dairy simply because of their wasteful view of cows’ milk! This is simply another opportunity to let your plant-based pal know what they are missing out on. Putting a triple-fudge brownie sundae in front of your buddy is a sure way to bring them back to an animal-eating, nonvegan lifestyle.
Even though your lunch is over, it doesn’t mean that your mission to let your vegan friend know how much they need animal products isn’t. You have successfully broken the ice and can now continue to have “vegerventions” whenever the topic of food is brought up.
If you still feel like you are having trouble, call 1 (800) myfriendlovesveggies or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.