southern utah university suu everywhere
Image: Ute Krauss / CC BY-SA 2.0 DE

Panic has gripped the planet as Southern Utah University’s “SUU Everywhere” viral marketing campaign has proven to be more viral than intended.

As the “SUU Everywhere” campaign eats its way through the fabric of reality to the horror of Earthlings everywhere, literary, artistic, and musical archives worldwide have slowly turned into SUU, irrevocably destroying most of the achievements of human civilization. the Library of Congress and the Smithsonian Institution have both been replaced by the university itself.

The ongoing losses are difficult to estimate. However, reality still persists for many, at least for now, causing a minor inconvenience rather than total annihilation for most people.

“While I was brushing my teeth last week, they all turned into SUU,” said Enoch resident Pince Chumsten. “Then, while I was mowing my lawn, the grass turned into SUU. Then I was drawing penises on stop signs with a Sharpie, and guess what? I got a ticket.”

“But it turned into SUU, which is great because I don’t think I have to pay it now,” added Chumsten.

The appearance of SUU everywhere has interfered with many people’s livelihoods.

“I don’t know what to do,” said local farmer Brent Grampkins. “All of the cow shit has turned into SUU. There’s SUU everywhere. I’ve tried hosing and sweeping it off, but the buildings won’t budge. And now hipsters keep stealing my squash. There are skinny jeans everywhere.”

Others have had their personal lives interrupted by finding SUU everywhere.

“My wife and I recently discovered that she is capable of squirting orgasms,” said Barry Stench of New Harmony. “It was amazing until she started gushing SUU all over our living room floor. We had spread plastic out first, but foot traffic has ruined it. I guess we’ll have to go back to having sex in the back yard.”

The United Nations had begun the process of taking legal action against the university until it also became SUU and decided to abandon litigation in favor of going for a bike ride.

President Obama held a press conference to talk about what the government plans to do about the viral marketing campaign. However, while he was speaking, the president, the reporters, and the government itself all turned into SUU.

Former President Bill Clinton’s hideously misshapen member became SUU in coitus, making the university the first public institution to be forcibly thrust into a young boy’s anal cavity as well as the second American university to collectively have gonorrhea (after the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign).

The internet itself is slowly becoming SUU. Some say that this is a good thing as The University of Phoenix has now become SUU. However, all videos and photos of cats and episodes of “The Office” have also become SUU.

Mormons have decided that the presence of SUU everywhere is a sign of the end of days, and LDS missionaries have taken to widely distributing copies of the Book of Mormon, which have ironically but fortunately turned into the incalculably less contrived and socially destructive SUU.

Most wildlife have become SUU. However, birds have not yet turned into SUU, although they now strangely have teeth.

At press time, southern Utah residents were disappointed that Dixie State University had not become SUU.

Editor’s note: This piece is satire. Don’t panic, the collected recordings of Herbie Hancock are fine.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, copy editor and staff writer Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida.

He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville’s longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover’s Cafe.

When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online:

indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang
mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic

He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and his pronouns are “zap,” “quack,” and “boing.”

1 COMMENT

  1. >> The University of Phoenix gave me an amazing education. I can honestly say I received an exemplary education and it was much better than any education at any not-for-profit state public universities I have attended. I learned amazing skills and consider myself a scholar who is published and notable in his field. The University of Phoenix’s curriculum was rigorous, meaningful, relevant, and applicable.

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