Ramping up their efforts to “really whore it up for the holidays,” the Spice Girls have added a sixth member, Pumpkin Spice, to their ensemble.
“We’ve whored out musically and visually,” said Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, “and Slutty Spice, I mean Porno Spice, I mean Ginger Spice literally whored herself out. We’re very proud of that. But we’ve really let our marketing game go. Starbucks is making us look like a bunch of nuns.”
“I mean specifically in terms of marketing and pumpkin spice,” she clarified. “We’re still nailing the whole whore thing.”
While pumpkin spice is normally a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, allspice, mace, and clove powder, Pumpkin Spice describes herself as a mixture of burgeoning cleavage, fiercely erect nipples, and just barely visible labia.
“We have to stay competitive,” said Emma Bunton, also known as Baby Spice. “When Lada Gaga wore that meat dress, we were all like ‘No way! You can wear food?’ And we all really look up to Lady Gaga. She’s like crazy tall.”
The group says that some early marketing strategies have been met with mixed results.
“Cajun Spice was a disaster,” said Melanie Chisholm, also known as Sporty Spice. “She was a mess on tour. We could barely understand a word she said, and the tour bus constantly reeked of whiskey and seafood. I mean, like way more than usual.”
“And don’t even get me started on Jerk Spice,” she added. “Remember Bitch Pudding from ‘Robot Chicken’? Jerk Spice was Bitch Pudding meets Miley Cyrus.”
“RAWRRRRR!” added Melanie Brown, also known as Scary Spice.
Pumpkin Spice comes on board just in time for the Spice Girls’ 2015 Christmas album, “It’s The Holidays, Bitches.”
At press time, Pumpkin Spice was gingerly applying a thin layer of pumpkin puree to her bikini area.
Editor’s Note: This article is strictly humor. Do not attempt to find and purchase “It’s The Holidays, Bitches,” either as a white elephant gift or for yourself because you have bad taste in music.
