Terrorists divided between voting for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump
Photo: Day Donaldson / CC BY 2.0

According to a recent survey, terrorists are undecided on whether they should vote for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in their attempts to destroy America.

“They’re both just so universally unappealing that it’s tough to say who will do more damage, Hitlary or the World’s Biggest Idiot,” said a Taliban spokesperson who declined to provide a name, instead producing an assault rifle.

“I would by far prefer Hillary Clinton, of course,” said Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu. “She’s been a valuable ally to the state of Israel for some time now. But I’m sure that orange fellow has a price.”

Most Islamic terrorists appear to favor Hillary Clinton, citing that they feel they can trust her more than Donald Trump.

“We do not want to make America great again,” said Ahmed Al-Kaboom, a grocery store clerk in St. George, Utah, and member of ISIS. “America is Great Satan, and Great Satan is already too great. As a member of President Obama’s administration, Hillary Clinton has been instrumental not only in creating ISIS but in helping supply weapons and continuing to destabilize the Middle East. She has shown us that she will do anything for money, much like we will. Clearly, this is who must vote for to destroy Great Satan.”

Meanwhile, members of terrorist group Westboro Baptist Church are unanimous in their support for Trump.

“It’s hard to make a bigot blush, but I’ll be goddamned of Donald Trump isn’t the most racist, misogynistic SOB I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” said Westboro congregant Jebediah Whitbread, “and this is coming from someone who used to read Billy Graham’s columns every week. We don’t want some nasty, godless lesbian sitting in the Oval Office.”

Other terrorist groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan and the Los Angeles Police Department, and the CIA remain divided in the ranks.

“Donald Trump is the only person who can save this country from the clutches of democracy,” said KKK director David Duke. “Having a black man in office was a disgrace, it was an abomination before God. The last thing America needs is his Secretary of State in charge. Who knows how many blacks she’ll hire?”

“We’ve gotta get Hillary Clinton in office in November or else people are going to continue to be armed,” said Lt. Deadeye “Deadeye” Stevens, an officer for the L.A. Police Department. “It’s scary when you’re trying to shoot civilians knowing that they might be able to fire back. Being a cop is dangerous in 2016, and we need a president who can con these stupid beanbags into submission so that they can’t return fire.”

“Hillary Clinton is vicious,” said CIA agent Stan Smith. “We’ve been murdering people for her and Bill for decades. I can’t imagine not voting for her. If Donald Trump is elected, he’ll be assassinated within the first year. I’m really not sure why we haven’t taken care of him already.”

Even famous villains disagree on who to vote for.

“When Inspector Gadget finally succumbed to cancer, which I saw coming from the moment I realized the amount of radiation and grease all those robotics had to have been emitting, my life kind of fell apart,” said Dr. Claw. “I really stopped taking care of myself for a while. Drinking, drugs, feline blow-up dolls. But when Bill Clinton’s wife announced her presidential campaign, my life suddenly had new meaning. My old nemesis foiled every scheme I had made for years, cozying up to drug cartels and outspending me by millions, which was no fair because he had the CIA on his side. I made a vow to myself: ‘Next time, Clinton! Next time!’ And that time is now. I will not suffer another Clinton presidency!”

“I’m not voting for some peasant woman,” said Illinois billionaire Montgomery Burns. “Donald Trump may be criminally insane, but that never stopped anyone from becoming president, and besides, he’s got the money to do whatever he wants. And walling off a whole country and making them pay for it? Excellent.”

At press time, the Legion of Doom was arguing over which candidate would most quickly bring about a nuclear holocaust.

Editor’s note: This piece is satire. Nuclear holocaust appears to be inevitable in the event that either candidate is elected.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, copy editor and staff writer Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online: indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter.