These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

Don’t be careless with your words this week. Words hurt, but getting punched in the face for something you said hurts worse.

Pisces

Now is the time to plan for the future. Be extra kind to your toaster and prepare for the reign of our new robot overlords.

Aries

A strange series of events will lead to a strong bond with a stranger this week. So, unless you want to spend a day with Mr. onion breath, be sure to carry some nail polish remover or better yet some industrial strength solvent.

Taurus

You will struggle to maintain focus at work this week. Use this time effectively by Facebook stalking old classmates and working on your Minesweeper skills.

Gemini

It is vital for you to lean on your closest friends for advice this week. Unfortunately, since your stuffed Minion, Ficus, and pet turtle can’t talk…you’re screwed.

Cancer

To find success at work this week, you need to let your imagination lead the way. Correction, remove all the dancing animals and singing plants and then let your imagination lead the way.

Virgo

Avoid wearing your emotions on your sleeves this week. In fact, just avoid wearing sleeves at all. Unless you’re in Utah. They frown on that sort of thing there.

Leo

You will discover a new romantic interest this week. They will make your heart a raging inferno. The spicy tacos you eat will have the same effect on your bowels, so maybe wait until next week to approach your new crush.

Libra

This week you will find yourself busy constantly putting out fires at work. Keep an eye on Steve…I think he’s the fire bug.

Scorpio

You need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror this week. See that pimple just to the side of your nose? No? Really? Because everyone else does.

Sagittarius

You will find yourself in a funk this week. Try drinking a gallon of expired milk. It will cleanse your feelings…and your stomach…all over your living room carpet.

Capricorn

Be extra careful not to put your romantic partner on a pedestal this week. They’re afraid of highest and you have a bad back.

 

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Darren M. Edwards loves bacon and anything with blue cheese on it. He writes stuff, you know, like novels, essays, and poems. Sometimes they get published, which is cool. His first book, "Utah Sport Climbing: Stories and Reflections on the Bolting of the Beehive State," was published by The History Press in January 2017. He was the managing editor of The Independent from 2016 to 2017.