These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Stay focused and play your cards right this week. Your bookie isn’t joking around. He will bust you kneecaps like Gallagher and watermelon.
The stars have something special in store for you this week, Pisces. You should start carrying a gun.
Be adventurous! Try something new, like not being such a dick.
You will find new love this week, Taurus. And so the parade of codependency continues.
The child you will have this year will be the next Buddha, Maitreya. Hopefully that will make you feel better about having slept with everyone in your apartment building.
You’ll hold in your farts this week if you know what’s good for you.
You will notice a boost of energy this week. Double check your coffee to make sure that your co-worker isn’t spiking it.
The stars have had it with your B.S. Just like everyone else.
A secret admirer will reach out to you this week. Carry mace.
This will be a magical week for you, Scorpio! Your money, your partner, and your car are all going to disappear! Magic!
Life will throw many signs at you this week, heed them. Cops don’t like it when you speed and run stop signs.
Consider adding a plant to your workspace. Something green, maybe. But not pot! Your boss will steal it.
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