The weight-loss consultant
By Stephen Philip Druce
“Hello, is this the weight loss consultant? It’s Mr. Roberts here.”
“Hello Mr. Roberts. Yes, I’m the consultant. How can I help you?”
“I’d like to consult you regarding my wife’s weight.”
“Ok, so you need advice on your wife’s weight loss then?”
“Yes, please. I thought that if I consulted a weight loss consultant, it could help her regarding her weight concerns.”
“Ok, well as we’re in consultation now, I can certainly help your wife with her weight loss concerns. What are her concerns regarding weight loss?”
“Mainly the weight. Losing the weight is uppermost on her mind.”
“Ok, so her weight concerns are weighing on her mind then?”
“Yes, the weight loss is uppermost on her mind — as is the weight, which is lowermost on her body.”
“Ok, so how would she like to lose weight?”
“Well, what method would you suggest?”
“Well, she should focus on the losing part of the weight and not the gaining. If she goes down the gaining weight path she’ll lose. If she takes the losing weight path she’ll gain — but not the weight.”
“So how much weight do you think she should lose?”
“Well, that’s up to her. How much weight does she feel she needs to lose?”
“Well, just enough so that I don’t have to consult a weight loss consultant regarding her weight concerns. As we’re in consultation, what’s your advice on the amount of weight she should lose?”
“Well, that’s her decision. It’s her body, her weight, and her concern. So roughly how much weight does she want to lose then?”
“That’s a weighty question.”
“Well, if I were her, I would lose an amount that she’s comfortable with. Just enough so you won’t have to consult a weight loss consultant regarding your wife’s weight.”
“How much weight should she lose then?”
“That’s a weighty question. When exactly does she want to lose this weight?”
“Right away.”
“Well, it’s going to take time. The time it takes to lose weight takes time. You have to take your time losing weight. There’s never been a time when I haven’t advised a customer that weight loss takes time. Time and time again, they ask me when they’ll lose weight. Has your wife tried to lose weight at any time?”
“No, she never has the time. She’s determined to do it this time. She’s decided now’s the time to lose weight. So how much time will it take for my wife to lose weight?”
“That depends on how much weight she wants to lose. Why does your wife
want to lose weight anyway?”
“Because I told her if she didn’t I would leave her.”
“What was her response to that ultimatum?”
“She said she’s going to put on as much weight as possible.”
“Really, and are you overweight Mr. Roberts?”
“I don’t know, I thought I’d consult you about it.”
“Oh no, I’m not going through all that again — goodbye.”
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