Emceesquare Media, the organization responsible for First Friday George Streetfest on Main, is organizing a new event for St. George: the “Who’s A Badass?” drag race on St. George Boulevard.
“The amateur racing scene in St. George is simply incredible,” said organizer Melynda Thorpe. “I’ve never been to Smith’s or Dixie Nutrition without witnessing a breathtaking race between two drivers who are obviously badasses from Bluff Street to to the traffic light at North 400 West.”
The race is scheduled to be held Jan. 1 in conjunction with Streetfest and will span the length of St. George Boulevard from Bluff Street to North 400 West. Any idiot with four wheels is free to participate.
“We have untapped potential here in St. George,” said St. George Mayor Jon Pike. “I’ve nearly lost my life trying to cross St. George Boulevard, oh, at least 16 or 17 times now. We’ve got some real badasses here!”
Local resident Branthony Christensen, 72, says that his ancestors were badasses as well.
“I remember stories my dad used to tell of the settlers,” he reminisced. “They’d load up their wagons on Bluff Street and see who could make it to North 400 West first. Of course, there weren’t any traffic lights at North 400 West back then. But they came to a screeching halt there anyway, usually breaking something and often resulting in injury or loss of life — and if one of my badass ancestors did it, it must have been right.”
Dixie State University junior Sam “Scrotus” Smith has been dabbling in badassery ever since moving to St. George.
“I have a souped-up 1985 Chevy Nova,” said Smith. “It’s pretty badass, sits real low. Some dudes use exhaust tips to get a louder sound, but I just took the whole muffler off! Right? Who needs a muffler? I can get that baby up to almost 40 miles an hour before I have to slam on the brakes at North 400 West. Sure, I get horrible mileage, have to change my brake pads every three months, go through a set of tires every year, and I killed a lady once, but when you’re a badass, it’s just kind of what you do. I have to get to North 400 West before the person in the lane next to me or my head will literally explode. Plus, you know … ancestors. So.”
The Jan. 1 event is free to the public. Earplugs and special badass-viewing glasses are advised.
Note: This article is satire. However, actual badasses can be seen racing on St. George Boulevard several times a day.
