The Independent is sponsoring its first annual “Win A Date With Jason Gottfried” contest wherein one lucky winner will get to spend an unspecified amount of time with the questionably competent opinion editor, humor columnist, and music reviewer.
“This contest is just a way for me to give back to the community,” said Gottfried. “Although this community hasn’t given me anything other than maybe chronic severe WTF syndrome. So I guess this is just a way for me to, uh, randomly give … something … to the community. For no reason.”
To enter, contestants should simply submit to suindependent.com a brief 5,000-word essay — preferably in verse — extolling Gottfried’s many alleged virtues, from the luxuriant softness of his beard to the rugged, Hobbit-like texture of the soles of his feet. Bribes are encouraged.
“Just tape large bills to the back of it,” said Gottfried. “Bigger the better.”
The date will probably not involve going out to dinner. Gottfried is a vegan and will likely turn his nose up at almost every restaurant in southern Utah. He will also probably complain about how nothing is organic, bitch about “feeding the corporate monster,” and insist that he could have cooked whatever you are eating better and for less money.
“We could go to the Painted Pony,” he said. “Or I could just set fire to $50 and then cook a meal that doesn’t suck. It’s whatever.”
The date will also not involve drinking or recreational drugs of any kind as Gottfried is also straight-edge — seemingly in an effort to be as boring as humanly possible. If the winner appears to be intoxicated, he or she may forfeit the prize.
“No one wants to smell your god-awful wine farts,” he asserted. “Seriously.”
The date will probably also not involve going to a movie, as Gottfried seems to believe that “everything is crap.” Contestants may look forward to viewing reruns of “Portlandia” and “The Eric Andre Show,” if anything. But probably not.
“All joking aside, I really would rather just stare at the wall,” he suggested. “Or the ceiling.”
In fact, the date may simply consist of sitting in the same room as Gottfried while he reads a book and listens to ambient music.
“Please hurry up and enter so that we can get this goddamned thing over with already,” he asked.
Enter now!
Editor’s Note: This article is satire, but everything about it except the contest itself is pretty accurate.
Ugh. I’d never date me.
As the girlfriend of this grumpy snoozer, I can vouch that he is indeed deplorable company. Thankfully, I am just as lame and thus we are be unhappily miserable together. If that isn’t love, I really don’t know what is.
Sounds like you two deserve one another, ha!