These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
I was looking at your astrological chart this morning, dear Aquarius, and I accidentally spilled koala juice all over it. I think it was your chart. It might have been one of my adult coloring books, though. They kind of look the same. And I do color on both of them. Anyway, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen to you. Just hide under the covers for a week.
Your hideous bulk will draw the attention of a Vegas talent scout this week, landing you a lucrative gig as a Jabba the Hutt impersonator and proving that sometimes there really is a silver lining to being a repulsive pile of protoplasm.
You will find yourself filled with worry this week. You’ll worry about your health, your job, politics, gas prices, the fact that objects around your house have started speaking to you in Latin. One of these should probably cause you more worry than the others.
It will feel like the stars are smiling down on you this week, but stars can’t actually smile. They’re giant balls of gas. It may be time to schedule that appointment with the therapist who focuses in treating delusion.
I was looking at your chart this morning, dear Capricorn, and I realized that koalas can’t read. This was such a startling revelation that I spilled koala juice all over your chart. Now it’s purple! Yay!