These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
There will be two positive outcomes as a result of your failed attempt to suicide-bomb your workplace this week. Not only will you be the most popular employee after a delightful impromptu fireworks display but your unsightly body hair will be permanently removed.
You will find yourself invited to an unusual amount of social outings this week. If you want that trend to continue, make this you mantra “I will not behave like a drunk frat boy. I will not behave like a drunk frat boy. I will not behave like a drunk frat boy.”
For years you’ve wondered what would happen if you quit your job and chased your dreams. Bankruptcy, alcoholism, nude miming, being born again, abandoning your faith for an affair with someone named Pat, moving to Arizona and getting a job as a product tester for off brand laxatives. There, I just saved you ten awful years.
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