These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
You may be offered a new position at work this week but may be afraid to take it in fear that your coworkers will resent you. You will have to choose between success and popularity. You have neither, so it’s a win-win situation.
You’ve always wanted to open young minds, and that is exactly what you will do this week when you slip LSD into the punch at a child’s birthday party. Don’t have second thoughts about it. It’s not like you’re giving children LDS.
You will be brimming with ideas this week, dear Cancer. Consult with your closest friends, but don’t take it personally when they tell you that you have the mind of a 3-year-old. Maybe it’s a compliment!
In your heart, you’ve always believed the world is a loving place. While testing this belief by giving strangers hugs this week, you’ll realize that the world is, in fact, a disgusting and gropey place.
The mental scars you carry from walking in on your parents having sex will only worsen this week when you walk in on your parents trying, but failing, to have sex. Try not to judge, though. Not everyone can age gracefully.
Fall is here. Leaves are changing colors, temperatures are dropping, and a mutated orange grown in the lab of a mad scientist is running for president. Go ahead and start celebrating Halloween early this year.