What if I forced you to listen to ten songs several times a day for three months out of every year? A few things would likely happen. You might lose your mind, you would probably hate me, and you would most certainly grow to hate those songs.
In 2015 America, leaving the house anytime between the beginning of October and the end of the year means being subjected to an all-out assault on the eyes and ears by every major corporation in America. You can refuse to allow a television in your house and leave the radio off (it makes my house very peaceful), and that keeps these bottom feeders out of your life for the most part. But during the latter quarter of every year, the “One Percent” marshals its forces to wage war on our minds and our wallets, leaving many of us insane and impecunious.
And we line up for it every time.
Well, y’all do. I don’t!
At this point, the civic holiday known as “Christmas” is totally meaningless (more on that later) and Thanksgiving is in no way a reflective or humble time but rather a festival of unbridled gluttony (more on that later).
To get us warmed up, however, we have Halloween, one of the most culturally convoluted and confusing holidays on the calendar—right next to Cinco de Mayo (more on that next spring).
By all means, do feel free to chime in and correct or embellish what I say, but I think that Halloween is pointless.
We buy tons of garbage—it’s not even “junk” food as it isn’t really food to begin with—and we distribute it to children regardless of a shameful nationwide pediatric epidemic ranging from childhood obesity to early-onset diabetes. Halloween is about as festive as putting a McDonald’s in a hospital.
I’ll never understand why, but we decorate our properties to make them resemble cemeteries. Where the fascist regime known as the Homeowner’s Association has been on this one is a mystery to me.
We glamorize the supernatural and the undead and “scary” things. How is being afraid a positive thing? Fear is a thoroughly negative emotion. So we’re going to hype it up as if it’s fun?
We make a mockery of Wiccans. How would you feel if someone dressed up as a stereotypical depiction of your religion once a year? Just because we’re numb to it doesn’t make it any less shameful.
We dress our kids up in costumes for no real reason. Wait a minute, that’s awesome! Who cares if it doesn’t make any sense? I remember when we dressed our baby daughter as a burrito. I love my daughter, and I love burritos. Talk about a win-win situation! It was very difficult for me to not put hot sauce on her.
Perhaps worst of all, we waste an unfathomable amount of food. And we involve our kids in the crime, which teaches them that wasting food is no big deal. News flash: pumpkins are food. Every day, about 40,000 people starve to death, and most of them are children. That’s like every child in Washington County dying of starvation. Every day. How an allegedly Christian nation can consciously waste millions of pounds worth of pumpkins for the sake of a novelty in the face of this travesty is beyond my understanding. Then again, I don’t get how this dubiously self-professed “Christian” nation does almost everything it does.
What is really weird is that, while it has Gaelic and Welsh pagan roots—pretty easy to believe, right? Because that’s totally creepy—Halloween is heavily influenced by Christianity. Pedophilic priests, prophets executed by the state, and the entire Old Testament aside, Christianity is a markedly uncreepy religion.
Never mind that vampires, whose visages proliferate in late October, are actually repelled by a crucifix. Never mind that the mere concept of undead beings flies in the face of Christian doctrines regarding the destinies of souls after death. Never mind that the idea of ghosts or spirits, disembodied and roaming the countryside or haunting dilapidated buildings and whatnot suggests that God is indeed quite careless with souls, which apparently don’t end up in heaven, hell, purgatory after all. Never mind Biblical imperatives against sorcery altogether. Boo! The Bible is no fun! (Well, there are some juicy bits in Song of Solomon, but we’ll save that topic for February.)
The jack-o’-lantern does have origins in the mythology of Stingy Jack (or Drunk Jack), a character associated with All Hallow’s Day. But otherwise, the dominant contemporary symbols of Halloween—at least the mainstream secular ones—are decidedly irreligious, at least in the context of a supposedly Judeo-Christian nation.
Who throws a big shindig for All Hallow’s or All Saints’ Day? Or whatever you want to call it. It has half a dozen names. That’s the whole reason for celebrating Halloween. It’s why Halloween is always on Oct. 31. All Saints’ Day is on Nov. 1. Of course, you knew that already, right? Wouldn’t celebrating Christmas Eve but completely ignoring Christmas be a little odd?
Besides lining the pockets of M&M Mars and pals, Halloween serves little purpose in America, as most of us have forgotten (and perhaps don’t really care anyway) about what it really means. Frankly, Halloween is only a part of the yearly structure that encourages recreational spending. It appears to be part of a larger design to accelerate society towards the annual end-year consumerist orgy that is “the holiday season.” Behold!
January? New Year’s Day, the coup de grace of the previous three-month fiasco.
February? Valentine’s Day, one of the most contrived holidays ever conceived.
March? St. Patrick’s Day, also known as National Alcohol Poisoning Day.
April? Why, Easter, of course (speaking of the undead).
May? Mother’s Day, only the biggest day of the year for the service industry besides New Year’s Eve.
June? National Dairy Goat Awareness Week! That’s a biggie.
July? That’s when we all pretend that we’re patriots.
August? There’s the back-to-school freakout. Must buy glue sticks!
Nothing happens in September. We get to pause and reflect on how much money—not to mention brain cells—we’re about to burn through over the next few months.
The truth is that Halloween holds little or no religious significance, certainly in its current manifestation. Nothing happened on Oct. 31 that bears commemoration.
Well, ok, that’s not completely true.
Martin Luther nailed a piece of writing far more outrageous than what you’re currently reading on the doors of a church in Wittenberg. I guess that was kind of spooky. Mussolini became the prime minister of Italy—that’s pretty scary! Houdini was assassinated by his own appendix. Yikes! Serial sex offender Jimmy Savile was born, which is a terrifying thought for anyone with genitalia. The world’s population officially hit seven billion on Halloween of 2011, which is a terrifying thought for introverts. But the most macabre event ever to befall Oct. 31 was the removal of Joseph Stalin from Lenin’s tomb. Two dead mass murderers in the same mausoleum? Ha! That has Halloween written all over it!
But do we commemorate even one of these horrors on Halloween? Nah, just chocolate and zombies.
What I would love to see in my fellow countrymen is an honest reevaluation of our culture, which has largely degenerated in every way into a mindless feeding frenzy. Our rituals have no real social or cultural significance—sorry, mere nostalgia doesn’t count. Conditioning has no substance. To put it plainly, like 320 million or so bored lovers, we are simply going through the motions anymore. Aside from being opportunities for bingeing, our rituals have become empty, manipulated by corporate America into frivolous money-making schemes.
And that, my dear friends, is why I think Halloween is pointless.
All you Halloween lovers might think I’m raining on your glycemic-index-wrecking parade. No way! Hey, y’all knock yourselves out, ok? Yes, it’s a completely stupid holiday, but to heck with it. This is America. I mean ‘Murica! This is the best place in the world to be ridiculous, behave like a buffoon, run for president, start a cult, and generally run amok. I mean have you ever been to Florida? It’s Halloween there everyday. For all our alleged “freedom” (more on that in about nine months), we ought to take full advantage of the freedom to be silly. Have fun! Pee into water balloons! Gain five pounds! Develop gingivitis! Dress up like a sexy lobster! Dress up like Zaphod Beeblebrox! Burn an Ouija board! Barf Skittles!
Just don’t forget to brush your teeth when you’re done.
 about what it really means.){kind=link}
Just like any holiday; there are those who celebrate the true meaning and those that don’t so you shouldn’t generalize. I am a Catholic. October 31st is all souls days were we remember the dead; our past loved ones. November 1st is All Saints Day and a holy day of obligation for us and we attend mass and celebrates all the saints in our faith. In Hispanic cultures which is very rich here in Southern Utah; “October 31st is the Day of the Dead (Spanish: Día de Muertos). It is a Mexican holiday celebrated throughout Mexico, in particular the Central and South regions, and acknowledged around the world in other cultures. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey. Traditions connected with the holiday include building private altars called ofrendas, honoring the deceased using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed, and visiting graves with these as gifts. Visitors also leave possessions of the deceased at the graves”. (source is wikipedia where there is much more information)
I don’t understand! You listed all the reasons why Halloween is the greatest thing you can do standing up, but your title trashes it!
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* It’s thoroughly pagan! Great!
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Well … so is Christmas … uhhh … “Saturnalia”. The Christians simply preempted the Roman holiday. There is NOTHING to suggest that Christ was actually born in December and he was probably born in the spring sometime from the evidence that does exist. In any case, we’re acting like Romans on Saturnalia today in America so all we’re missing now is the correct spelling of the name.
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But Halloween doesn’t have that problem. Nobody pretends that it’s anything but a pagan bacchanalia. (Well Dianne is still all wet in de Nile. There will always be statistical outliers.) A costume party last year had three different couples that came as a lecherous priest and a pregnant nun.
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* “unfathomable amount of food” Even Better!
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My wife and her sister start planning next Halloween’s menu on November 1 every year. They test recipes throughout the year. The sister comes down three days early just to start cooking. The table groans with horrible looking stuff with worse names that all tastes WONDERFUL.
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BTW … if any kids come to our house, we sacrifice them on a rock in the back. So all the comments about refined sugar addiction don’t apply at our house. (Now … alcohol addiction … that’s another story.)
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* “it’s a completely stupid holiday, but to heck with it. This is America. I mean ‘Murica! This is the best place in the world to be ridiculous, behave like a buffoon, run for president, start a cult, and generally run amok.”
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YEAH, man! That’s what I’M talkin’ bout!
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Like you, I would love to see an honest reevaluation of our culture too. BUT THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. So in the meantime, we plan deck the house in macabre stuff, dress up, act silly, and pig out this Halloween just like we have for years.
I liked reading your opinion piece 🙂 Remember, that it’s not just Wiccans who celebrate Samhuinne, it’s also celebrated by many non-Wiccan Witches, Druids, and many other kinds of Pagans.
And, many still do find deep spiritual meaning of this movement of the seasonal Wheel’s deep magical turn of the wintering sunset of the year
A Blessed Samhuinne/Nos Calan Gaef/La Feile na Marbh to you. May you have the blessings of the meaning of Samhain-tide’s Season!
Bright Blessings!
~Dandalf
This guy is an idiot. Though I do get a chuckle out of reading his little rants. One of those losers who leads a pathetic life and therefore has nothing better to do than rant about things that he truly knows little about. In fact, I’d place a wager that in the not to distance past this little boy played mediocre music in a Fundamental Christian band and wore popped collar polo shirts. But we all evolve. Some just more slowly than others. Again, thanks for the constant laughs we get from your rediculousness. 🙂
I enjoyed the humor and satire in this article until you said >>> “nationwide pediatric epidemic ranging from childhood obesity to early-onset diabetes” Child obesity? Yes. Early-onset diabetes epidemic? No. You’re confusing children who get type 2 diabetes with those who are born with type 1 diabetes AKA early-onset or juvenile onset diabetes. It’s entirely not the same thing. You should really look it up. Other than that, I had a good laugh. So, thanks for that bit.