According to Barry Thompson, 36, of Cedar City, a local cupboard is hell-bent on his demise.
“I swear, every time I look up from washing a dish or whatever, BAM, I get the corner of this damned thing right in my scalp,” said Thompson. “That thing’s out to get me. I’m gonna get a concussion.”
Thompson vehemently denies leaving the door open.
“I’m pretty sure I close it every time,” Thompson said. “I mean it’s like every day this happens. Why the hell would I just leave it hanging open? No, it’s definitely the damned cupboard. I’ll be in the hospital in no time at this rate.”
The man’s family, unnerved by multiple outbursts and numerous rants and tirades in which the man curses everything that is holy under the sun, have suggested that he simply remove the cupboard.
“He terrifies the cat every time it happens,” said seven-year-old Vanessa Thompson, who has witnessed the same incident happen numerous times. “One time he started bleeding, and we all thought he was going to throw a jar of mayonnaise through the kitchen window.”
Barry Thompson’s wife, Cindy, said there are bigger problems than airborne condiments.
“Barry basically taught our kids the ‘F’ word,” she said. “We’re all walking on eggshells every time he enters the kitchen. I’ve told him to just close the damn door, but it’s like talking to a brick. I’m just going to buy him a helmet for Christmas.”
“Whoever built this house was either a sadist or a witch,” Barry said. “Maybe both. I’m this close to just pitching a tent in the backyard.”
The cupboard, which is currently half-open, has remained silent on the issue and has neither confirmed nor denied charges of conspiracy and assault.
At the time of press, the man was dabbing his forehead with a moist towelette and rummaging for a screwdriver while mumbling something about carpentry and terrorism.
Editor’s Note: This article is strictly humor. No cupboards were harmed in the making—or subsequent aftermath—of this story.
