Open marriages subject reopened in recent memoir

Written by Michael Foster

When my wife Barbara, women’s studies librarian at a major New York university, told me she wanted to write a memoir of her erotic adventures abroad, I grudgingly agreed. Everyone was telling it all anyway.

Barbara’s tale recounts her travels to Istanbul, where her innocence and wallet disappeared; Israel, where she had a kinky Arab lover; India, where, bathing in the Ganges, she was nearly kidnapped by a strapping fellow in a turban; Argentina, where she tangoed the night away; and then back to Greenwich Village and a lover from the Mob.

I found my wife’s memoir exciting, educational, sexy, and impossible to imitate in a world presently dedicated to making war, not love. So without a second thought, I offered to write the foreword to Barbara’s newly published “Confessions of a Librarian: A Memoir of Loves.”

I find myself immersed in the hoopla surrounding the book, in particular radio interviews where the hosts—male and female—are taken with our decades-long open marriage. Personally hesitant to relive my life of loves, I am shocked to hear the personal responses, fears, and romantic longings of our broadcast hosts. I know my intimate story, but I wasn’t prepared to hear theirs!

It’s all getting to sound like TV’s “The Affair,” touted as “a bewitching exploration of truth and desire.” The program about a cheating couple supposedly raises the questions we’re getting asked from coast to coast: Who started it (having affairs)? Why were you dissatisfied with your marriage? What about jealousy? Do you feel guilty? Would an open marriage work for others?

We have lived through most of the answers, but our hosts often are in a quandary. The hip-hop radio guys, with background music to match, are intrigued, maybe envious of me, but then comes the usual, “My wife would kill me!” Younger women are interested in an open marriage, hopeful, but their husbands say “no.” Mature women, who have hosted their show for a while, sometimes start out hostile, waving the moral flag, but we can win them over.

First, we don’t cheat or lie. Honesty is the best policy, although Barbara and I don’t belabor each other with details of a night in bed away from home. Most radio hosts, and their audience, are understandably curious and wonder if an open marriage can work for both parties.

Equality is crucial: If I’m allowed, so is she. We have heard tales from the other side of the mike of husbands who have strayed but won’t stand for it from their wives. And vice versa. Dealing with jealousy always comes up, but it’s really a synonym for insecurity. Envy of the other guy or girl lurks in the breast of the jealous one. To love others, to give what’s in you, you have to love yourself. It isn’t easy.

Sincerity of purpose is what makes the open marriage work and keep working. That is, I pursue my own style and let Barbara pursue hers. We got married in a traditional Jewish ceremony at 21 and 20 respectively. The rabbi drove off in his Caddy, and we haven’t seen him since. Each of us is his or her own moral compass, and we act out our separate desires.

We do share a common dream: to write, publish, and talk about books that matter. We hope people read our stories, ranging from Barbara’s “Confessions of a Librarian” to our joint biographies of really brave women, and that folks react according to their own lights. As I said about Barbara’s revelations: “A woman of distinction requests your attention for a literary joyride.”

Michael Foster is a historian, novelist and biographer. He earned his master’s degree from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. With his wife, Barbara, he has authored two biographies of heroic women and also the sensational book “Three In Love.” Michael Foster also wrote the foreword for Barbara’s latest book, “Confessions of a Librarian: A Memoir of Loves.”