Consumer demand for gluten-free products is on the rise, and businesses are scrambling to keep pace with the rapidly expanding market.
“Gluten intolerance has changed my life,” said southern Utah native Dan Reddington, 52, who just recently learned what gluten actually is thanks to Wikipedia. “I’ve dabbled in all kinds of intolerance from general bigotry to more specific forms, like lactose intolerance. It’s part of my heritage. I feel that gluten intolerance really allows me to express my inner curmudgeon.”
“When I eat gluten, it’s like the Triassic Era all over again in my bowels,” said St. George resident Lisa Smith, 33. “My mother said that the rolls she brought for Thanksgiving were gluten-free. But after Thanksgiving dinner, we had to live in a motel for three days while the house was being fumigated with Febreze.”
“Obviously, mom’s in a nursing home now,” she added.
Some consumers are so intolerant of gluten that even talking about it causes them irritation.
“Oh, I can eat it all right,” said Chester Smith, 37. “I just can’t stand it. Since my wife became gluten-intolerant, it’s basically been nothing but coleslaw and hot dogs for us. This is worse than when she went on the Atkins Diet. But she’s losing weight all right…you know, since we can’t eat anything anymore. I’ve actually developed irritable bowel syndrome from the stress of wondering whether or not every damn thing has a trace of gluten in it.”
“Every time we drive by the Olive Garden, I just want to burn it down,” he added.
Gluten-free breads and pastas have become grocery store and restaurant staples over the past decade. With the trend showing no sign of slowing, The Independent offers this sneak peek at gluten-free products of the future:
—Gluten-free condoms
—Gluten-free holy water
—Gluten-free trash can liners
—Gluten-free sand
—Gluten-free android phones
—Gluten-free memorial urns
—Gluten-free pacifiers
—Gluten-free crack cocaine
—Gluten-free toilet paper
—Gluten-free asparagus
—Gluten-free insect repellant
—Gluten-free distilled water
—Gluten-free suppository laxatives
—Gluten-free DVDs of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” seasons 1-3
At press time, scientists were still trying to figure out how to make gluten-free bread that does not resemble concrete.
Editor’s Note: This article is satire. It was produced on equipment that processes wheat and sarcasm and may contain traces of gluten.
