These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
I was looking at your astrological chart this morning, dear Aquarius, and I accidentally spilled koala juice all over it. I think it was your chart. It might have been one of my adult coloring books, though. They kind of look the same. And I do color on both of them. Anyway, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen to you. Just hide under the covers for a week.
This week, you will finally decide to begin keeping a journal, followed by the immediate realization that your life is far too dull for even you to write about.
You’ll realize that it’s officially time for spring cleaning this week when the amount of cat fur on your floors begins to pose a fire hazard … which would make much more sense if you had a cat.
Your hideous bulk will draw the attention of a Vegas talent scout this week, landing you a lucrative gig as a Jabba the Hutt impersonator and proving that sometimes there really is a silver lining to being a repulsive pile of protoplasm.
Upon learning that Lauren Southern did so, you’ll move to Canada and have your gender changed on your official ID this week. Just for the hell of it.
It has been said that when one door closes, another opens. In your case the door closing belongs to your secret crush, and the door opening is a jail cell. Stalking isn’t cool, dude.
This week is looking pretty good for you, except Thursday. Thursday is going to be shit. Stay in bed and eat Cheetos.
You will find yourself filled with worry this week. You’ll worry about your health, your job, politics, gas prices, the fact that objects around your house have started speaking to you in Latin. One of these should probably cause you more worry than the others.
It will feel like the stars are smiling down on you this week, but stars can’t actually smile. They’re giant balls of gas. It may be time to schedule that appointment with the therapist who focuses in treating delusion.
Inspired by last week’s Iron Man triathlon, you will start an aggressive training program this week. Unfortunately, you are not an iron man. Stock up on muscle cream and ice packs.
You may find your family withdrawing from you this week. Don’t be harsh on them in return. Your breath is already doing that.
I was looking at your chart this morning, dear Capricorn, and I realized that koalas can’t read. This was such a startling revelation that I spilled koala juice all over your chart. Now it’s purple! Yay!
