Heed the butthole robber
Stephen Philip Druce
Beware the butthole robber — the new criminal on the block. Citizens of London are being robbed in the street and assaulted by attackers using their assholes as weapons. The asshole robbers are applying this method of attack as a strategy to mitigate their violations in a hypothetical court case. They hope a slapstick approach to robbery will provide some amusement for the judge, who may subsequently demonstrate a degree of leniency upon their sentences. England’s judges seemingly are unamused but have reduced many asshole-robbing sentences in light of the fact that the robbers are utilizing the softest and least menacing body part with which a victim can be attacked. Many asshole robbers claim they are unaware of the physical harm they are inflicting on their victims as they invariably face in the opposite direction when carrying out an asshole robbery.
I myself have been a victim to such a abominable crime. I was walking to the tube station in London one evening and I stopped to tie a shoelace. As I knelt down on the pavement to perform the task, I felt a fleshy thump to the side of my head. I was overwhelmed with hefty blows from the attacker’s asshole section that were delivered in a very unsophisticated manner — an asshole attack bereft of any notable style or grace. The male robber sat on my face and asserted a downward pressure to stifle my oxygen supply as he stole my Flintstones wristwatch, stuffing it into his anus crease, which had been transformed into an anus haven for stolen goods. I could see other valuables hidden inside his anus: cash, credit cards, jewelry, mobile phones, and a skateboard. I never saw my precious watch again. The image of poor Fred and Barney disappearing into the robber’s anus, behind the ticking watch hands broke my heart. “Wilma!” I cried.
Editor’s Note: This article is satire. Asshole robbery is actually at an all-time low.
Stephen Philip Druce is a self-professed “humour” writer from Shrewsbury, England.
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