CARTOON: ‘Stuck With Trump’

From cartoonist Clay Jones on “Stuck With Trump,” Marcobot spankings, and orange frontrunners

Takeaways from the New Hampshire Republican Primary.

First: Is Donald Trump getting oranger? I know that’s grammatically incorrect. More orangish? Is he becoming more orange? The fucker’s orange, ya’ll.

Trump had a big win. Now we’ll finally see him brought down as his opponents and the media will start to focus on him. Now he’ll face some scrutiny and people will expect specifics. Yeah … uh … because that hasn’t happened yet?

Iowa and New Hampshire are retail politics. You know, where you meet people one-on-one, you go into living rooms or coffee shops, shake hands, and do all the things Trump doesn’t like to do. For a guy who doesn’t like meeting people, he did very well in getting their support. Now he moves on to the contests where it is more about large pep rallies, which, as we know, is where Trump excels. The GOP really does not want Trump as their nominee. They’re in trouble.

John Kasich came in second. He practically lived in New Hampshire. His placing is impressive, and he gets an “attaboy” for his effort. That’s going to be it. The next contests don’t provide him the cushion of time and tiny geography to work his mellow magic. Also, he needs to stop talking about getting “pounded.” I don’t think he knows it means something other than what he think it means. Coming in second is a victory for Kasich (like third was for Marco in Iowa) while the same finish is a huge loss for Clinton. That’s how it’s spun.

Ted Cruz came in third despite Donald Trump calling him a “pussy.” (This blog’s just full of bad words today.) New Hampshire is a place where the voters are a different kind of weird. One voter said she was deciding between Sanders and Fiorina, which makes you wonder what issue was most important to her (free college for fetuses?). Even the Republicans aren’t all Jesus Freaks. Cruz is headed down south, and that’s his base: crazy, gun-toting, racist bible-thumpers. I still believe this race is between Cruz and Trump. With South Carolina being the land with a history of dirty campaign tricks, Cruz should feel at home.

Jeb came in a close fourth. Wow! Jeb didn’t come in last. He trotted out his mom in New Hampshire, and in South Carolina he’s running ads featuring his brother — the one who destroyed the country — which proves that South Carolina Republicans are all sorts of stupid. One of the big topics in S.C. will be military stuff, and for some reason George W. is an asset in that topic. The establishment is still looking for the establishment torchbearer to beat the outsider crazies of Trump and Cruz. Problem is, I don’t think Republicans want an establishment guy.

After Marco Rubio flamed out during the last debate (Oops! I shouldn’t use “flame” in regards to Marco) he had a tight (really, I’m not doing this on purpose) fifth-place finish. He finally admitted that he sucked (honest, I’m not) during the debate. Many wondered how he would place after Chris Christie bent him over and gave him a spanking (OK, that one was intentional).

The good news for the Marcobot is that Chris Christie has gone back to New Jersey, which is a place famous for people not wanting to return to it. But Christie, despite appearances, actually has a job there. I’m going to miss Christie, and I wish he would hang around a bit longer, at least for a few more debates … just to bully Rubio. I was going to place wagers on Rubio crying. Christie left the race very quietly, which is not a description normally used for Christie. After being as loud as possible and a blowhard, a jerk, and a bully, you would think that he could face the music. No press conference from Christie. Just a Facebook post. Yeah, he’s a tough guy.

At least Christie served a purpose. Carly Fiorina has abandoned her ridiculous campaign, too. Fiorina scored high with pundits at her first debate, which was at the kids’ table, and the second debate, which was on the big stage. Afterward, people started checking on the stuff she was actually saying and discovered that the woman is a pathological liar. Not every sociopath can be as charming as Trump.

Ben Carson is still in it. Why? I guess he still has campaign money. At this point, his participation is a little more involved than that of former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who is still technically running. Gilmore is in the race, but he’s not actually campaigning. He’s announced, and that’s about it. He might have a website. I could Google that to find out, but it’s Jim Gilmore, and I don’t care. That’s where Dr. Sleepy Stabby is now. His entire output at this point will be fundraising, not actually attempting to convince people to vote for him or what the actual use for the pyramids is.

We’ve only had one caucus and primary up to this point, and it’s already been the weirdest campaign ever. We’ve only just begun. I can’t wait for the insanity. This is why I can’t sleep.

claytoonz.com/2016/02/11/stuck-with-trump