Dr. G Hits the Spot: Is three really a crowd?
Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank
Dear Dr. G,
My husband and I have been married for 20 years next month, and he suggested we have a threesome (include another female in our bedroom) for an exciting anniversary celebration. I am not totally opposed to doing something like that, but for some reason, I feel hurt by the suggestion. Am I being silly? Is being jealous acceptable?
Thanks,
Mathematically Challenged (1+1=3?)
Dear Mathematically Challenged,
First of all, I’m thinking a calculator might be a great anniversary present for both you and your husband. Second of all, your emotions are completely acceptable. There aren’t any right or wrong ways to feel when presented with ideas that may trigger our insecurities.
Let’s look at this logically. Triangles, though quite strong as inanimate structures, tend to be dangerous when “love” is inserted. The term “three’s a crowd” refers to the fact that humans aren’t necessarily open to sharing themselves or their love equally. Crowds make us feel claustrophobic. Crowds mean that there isn’t enough room (or, in this case, love) to go around. We tend to get lost in crowds. So, if we apply this to a threesome, we can see how it might be more dangerous than exciting.
With that said, “triangle” also can be broken down to “try angle,” which seems to subliminally suggest sexually exciting positions — and angles. *Cough* Therefore, a threesome could be positive, especially if it has ever been a fantasy for you. It could be a bonding experience for both of you, if done correctly.
If your sex life has waned a bit after 20 years, you feel open to adding something new, and if your husband hasn’t been explicit in the third entity category (or even if he has), you might suggest fire, water, ropes, or weapons be that extra, excitement-causing addition. In all sincerity, though, try visiting a sex store and buying some toys, which is challenging in Washington County, but Vegas is just down the road, and worth the trip! You might try role-playing, or going to a swingers’ club without participating. Go slowly, and check out some options if you are hesitant at all.
In my experience, if given the choice, it’s better to be hurt physically than emotionally; healing is much easier. Mixing things up a bit is always acceptable, and adding a little something special has been known to rev the engines of lovemaking in a great relationship.
One of the negative issues with adding a third person to any relationship is that we are really never in full control of our emotions. There will invariably be unintended thoughts and feelings that show up in a sexual situation with more than two participants. By that, I mean someone (any of the three players) will inevitably end up getting hurt, because the scale of love and lust rarely has justice in the middle. Opening up doors to pathways we really don’t want ourselves or our partners going down is quite sabotaging for a healthy relationship, not to mention one that may or may not be going down a rocky road — even if those rocks are currently little pebbles.
As for you being silly or jealous, it’s important that you let your spouse in on those feelings. He’s an adult. He can handle his own reactions to your answer about this idea. He put it out there, probably as a feeler, to see where you stand on the issue. Honesty is definitely the best policy in any relationship. Don’t try to second-guess his feelings or his reasons for suggesting this lovely anniversary gift to himself from you. Open up and let him know what you are thinking.
Now, if you do decide that this is something you’d like to try, you go, girl! Just keep in mind that, as in situations throughout life, you’ll need to establish boundaries for this potentially sticky sexual scenario. Here are a few thoughts to consider:
- -First and foremost, choose the third party wisely! Going with his old flame or your best friend is likely to have some pretty negative odds when it comes to staying neutral. While a blow-up doll might have the best emotional results, a real-life, previously unknown person could be the second best choice.
- -Make sure all three of you get tested for STDs before you open that bedroom door.
- -Decide beforehand what you’ll be able to watch between the other gal and your husband. Penetration has been known to be a show-stopper — and a marriage-rocker. Both oral and vaginal sex need to be discussed. It sounds awkward, but trust me: You’ll be glad you did.
- -Figure out what you’re comfortable doing with, to, and for the other party, and what you’re willing to have done to you.
- -This isn’t a relationship, so post-coital intimacy might need to be saved for just you and your husband.
- Put the nix on a sleepover. Everything and everyone looks different in the light of dawn.
- -Finally, find a neutral place. You probably don’t want to flood your mind with memories of something that may or may not be positive every time you walk into your bedroom.
Quite frankly, I don’t share well; not hymn books, not desserts, not my nice fluffy pillows, and definitely not my lover. In my limited experience (none, firsthand), threesomes fall into the category of fantasy, rather than something that actually works well in reality. But, as LeVar Burton used to say on “Reading Rainbow,” “You don’t have to take my word for it!”
However, I would tend to believe the calculator.
Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank is a licensed associate mental health counselor. She has a bachelor’s degree in special education, and a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. (“Dr. G” is her pen name. She isn’t a REAL doctor.)
