Dr. G Hits the Spot: Sex, too much of a good thing?

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Dear Dr. G Spot,

I am quite successful and happy in most areas of my life, but I am worried that I have a sex addiction.  I think about sex quite a bit, and even though I am not currently married, I “take care” of things twice a day. Sometimes I watch porn, but usually, about five minutes is all it takes. I am also making choices that are considered “risky” lately. I’ve been hooking up for sex with people through Craigslist and other places I’m not proud to admit I frequent. I don’t really know why I do it. It’s not like I don’t have opportunities to have sex with people I know, and I actually feel worse when it is over, anyway.  At what point do I need to start seeing a therapist or get help in some way?

Good, bad, addicted?

Dear Good, bad, addicted?,

First of all, sadly, it’s just Dr. G. The “spot” is actually in reference to being “spot on” with counseling.  But I appreciate the thought. 🙂

Second, and more importantly, it sounds like you are suffering from a self-esteem issue, rather than a sex issue. Most addictions come down to that in the long run. One of the questions that needs to be asked when addressing addictions is whether it’s interfering with your life in a negative way. From what I can read in your question, you masturbate twice a day with a little bit of porn. That, in and of itself, is not a problem (unless it is child porn, and then, yes, there is a problem). Imagine if I had a married couple in my office and they said, “Dr. G, we have sex twice a day.”  I can promise you that I would not diagnose them with a sex addiction problem. I would probably end up assessing them as a healthy couple.  And unless there is emotional or physical force behind the twice-a-day escapades, I’d say they would be considered a happy couple. 

If you are not married or currently in a relationship, but you are still having “sex” twice a day, you still do not qualify for the sex addiction diagnosis. You probably qualify for the sexually healthy group, the sexually satisfied group, or perhaps the sexually curious group. Keep in mind that if you told me that you excuse yourself from meetings a couple of times a day to have a rendezvous with yourself in the bathroom, on top of your morning and evening routine, that would send up a red flag. However, you are making some choices that can be categorized as risky, and that does raise a concern. Hooking up for casual sex doesn’t necessarily mean anything negative, but doing it covertly or with guilt is a problem.  The fact that you are feeling some embarrassment about it leads me to believe that you are acting more out of shame than out of an awareness of what you want.  

Sometimes, when things are going right in life (and you mentioned that you are finding success in many areas), you can end up self-sabotaging to prove that you don’t actually deserve what you are getting. This can easily stem from a deep-rooted sense of self that doesn’t quite match up to success. The same scenario of casual sex hookups might also point to being raised with shame and guilt surrounding sexual acts and thoughts. One way or the other, the risky behavior of meeting up for random sex is actually the issue that I would address with you as a client, because it speaks to your sense of self.  

There are a couple of things people try to achieve by having sex with random partners. First, there is a desire to feel accepted or connected. The thought of physically being close to another person is nice, and there might seem to be an opportunity to click with someone. However, neither connection nor acceptance usually show up in random sexual meet-ups. Typically, both partners are emotionally knee-deep in self-harm and self-loathing. While two negatives make a positive in multiplication, sex and emotions don’t play by math rules. Chances are quite high that the results of a casual hookup will continue to stay on the negative side.  

Second, that anger (which produces the self-harm and self-loathing) is fueled by previous rejections, and just like everywhere else in life, the desire to avoid rejection in this situation is huge. (Porn, by the way, doesn’t reject anyone, and is therefore a fairly nice sexual partner for many people. It might not represent reality, and it might produce some unwanted side effects, but reality can be pretty harsh for some people.) With that said, rejection from random hookups will still feel much less painful than rejection from an known partner, because there isn’t emotional investment involved. However, when the motivating force behind the sex act is shame or guilt, the rejection from self will show up nonetheless. 

On a related note, curiosity never really killed the cat, but it has fueled some risky behaviors. Sometimes, when people want to try new positions, new partners, or new ideas with no embarrassment or inhibitions showing up, unknown partners seem to fit that “safe” category.  

When all is said and done, and with the information you have given, you don’t appear to have a sex addiction. You do appear to be teetering on the edge of some belief about yourself or your sexuality that you may want to discuss in confidence with a mental health counselor who can help you meander down the path of self-exploration. I’m not suggesting anything about your sexuality, but I am suggesting that you might have a false belief about your self-worth.

Whether good, bad, or addicted, a thought we’d all do well to keep in mind is, “I was told to love my enemy. I did… and loved myself.”