Dr. G Hits the Spot: Sex, why dont I like it?

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Dear Dr. G,

I am a 43-year-old female who was sexually abused by my dad when I was 13 years old. I told my mom, but she didn’t do anything to protect me, and she stayed married to him. Since that time, I have been very sexually active, but haven’t been able to connect emotionally with anyone. I’ve been married three times, and although I’m willing to do anything and everything men like when it comes to sex, I just don’t really like it.  

I don’t have a problem with orgasms, but it just seems like they aren’t that big of a deal and have no meaning to me. What is wrong with me? Am I weird? (By the way, I have five kids, and I am a really good mom.)

Sexually sad

Dear Strong survivor, 

First of all, I’m very sorry that you were sexualized at a young age, and I changed your name because you are a survivor. The damage that comes from sexual assault at such a young age (and, quite frankly, any age) is rarely understood. Second, not being protected by the person who is supposed to be your protector at that age is also very damaging and traumatic. Third, you are not weird!  

One of the first things I tell sexual abuse victims (especially those who were children at the time of the abuse) is this: If you had an orgasm, or if you actually liked the way you felt when the abuse was happening, that does not mean that you wanted it to happen. All that means is that your body was healthy. It’s kind of like a sneeze; you can’t keep it from happening, even if you really, really don’t want to sneeze. Your body takes over and there isn’t much you can do to stop it.  

Sadly, you are probably doing many sexually healthy things now that most people would enjoy, but because your 13-year-old brain tried to make sense of what was happening at the time of the abuse, it compartmentalized the information inappropriately, and now you operate in the sexual arena with a false belief that says, “do not enjoy this feeling.”   

The question is, what are you going to do? Well, give this a whirl: Do you still believe in Santa? Probably not. (I’m making an assumption here, so just work with me.) I’ll bet you did at one point, though. Well, Santa was a false belief, and you were able to let that belief go. 

The same thing needs to happen with the false belief guiding your sexual feelings. You can do it. You can actually change that false belief, and reframe it to be something wonderful and useful in your life. You might need help figuring out how to do that, but it can be done. (Shameless plug for a good mental health therapist.) 

The second thing I usually address with a client who was a young sexual abuse victim is the issue of not being protected.  Children who have been sexually abused are often very reluctant to discuss the abuse out of embarrassment. The ability to discuss it is stifled even more if, when they do talk about it, they aren’t believed.  A tragic outcome of the “Shhh, don’t tell anyone” scenario is that the victim ends up protecting the perpetrator by keeping it a secret, and lives for a very long time with shame, guilt, and self-loathing. In your case, you protected your father, rather than your father protecting you. Many times, abuse victims start seeing themselves as worthless, dirty, used, and good for nothing, so they begin to reenact the traumatic scenario that began the horrible cycle in the first place: Meaningless, self-esteem-damaging sexual experiences.  

As you mentioned, you have been sexually active since that time, and you have even gone so far as to do anything and everything to make your sexual partner happy. None of those actions are considered healing by any means. It is, therefore, no surprise that you have gone through three marriages and have yet to find an emotional connection. Chances are that your brain has again shut off the ability to feel positive things when it comes to sexual experiences.  

Now, let’s address the “I’m a really good mom” comment you added at the end of your question. That doesn’t surprise me.  Abuse victims are often “fixers.” By that, I mean that abused people know what it feels like to experience grief and sadness, and to feel unloved. Because of that knowledge, they tend go overboard making sure that no one else ever has to hurt the way they did.  (Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely abuse victims who become perpetrators in order to continue the abuse in an effort to hurt others the way they have been hurt… but that doesn’t sound like your MO.)  The major problem with fixers is that they most often forget about taking care of themselves before they try to protect others.  

I’d be curious to know how you have taken care of yourself and your needs in the last 30 years. It might do you a whole lot of good to get into a therapist’s office and vomit up your emotionally scarring experiences. Talking about it really does help. Doing something for you that doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else is quite healing. Selfish is actually a good word. It means doing something for yourself, and your little self is quite hurt.  

One of my favorite sayings is “knowledge is power.” Asking questions (like the one you posed) allows for knowledge.  The more we know, the wiser we become, and as we become wiser, the world begins to make more sense.  

Try to remember this, strong survivor:

Hurt people hurt people.

Hurt people with knowledge (which is power) help people.

Hurt people who are helped… heal!