Dr. G Hits the Spot: Soul connection and deep intimacy

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Dear Dr G, 

I have been dating a girl for about 6 weeks. We met in a very normal place (a dating site), but when we have sex it is different, it’s almost like a soul connection. I have dated other girls but I have never ever felt this way when I have been with them. It is crazy. I’m wondering if you believe in soulmates, or if you can explain why things feel so different with this particular girl. 

Dear soul man, 

First of all, congratulations! Almost everyone I know hopes to find the kind of mate and the kind of connection you described. I wish I could get a few more details about your situation, because there seems to be a common bond that goes far deeper than looks or personality. 

It is interesting that you noticed a difference between having sex and making a sexual soul connection. I couldn’t agree more that there is a huge difference, but sometimes people never actually find that. With experiences I have had or with clients who have talked to me about this, the common thread that provides the deep connection is usually some kind of trauma. I don’t want that to sound like only people who have had trauma can connect on a deep level, but I’ve heard of this happening when people have backgrounds and intense experiences that are similar. It has happened when two people have left a strong religious background and they then bond over the trauma of leaving something that was deeply ingrained in them. When we connect at the soul level, it’s almost as if a healing occurs, and that is why I suggest that perhaps a common background trauma is the catalyst for the soul mate relationship. 

I have talked before about how we tend to recreate trauma in our lives until we deal with it. And usually I am referring to the kind of people that we attract who provide the same issues again and again for us to deal with. However, I have become a believer that we also attract people who can heal us when we are finally ready to let go of the trauma. 

For some people who have expressed that they found a soulmate and a connection deeper than ever before, the healing they needed was to be unconditionally loved and accepted in either sexual, emotional, or spiritual ways. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly, but when you have experienced that connection everything else seems to pale. Sadly, not everyone is able to continue that relationship throughout life. Some people meet up with their soulmate and the healing happens and they move on, while others meet up and never have a desire to look elsewhere again. The safety and intensity that comes from that kind of soul connection is probably the closest most of us will ever come to feeling whole. 

Everyone faces disappointment, rejection, sadness, fear, and frustration in life, but the connection of a soul with another soul seems to heal those wounds and allows us to move forward with a new outlook. I would say that you are one of the lucky few who have had that beautiful connection. Hold on to it and treat it like the very, very special gift it is.