Dr. G Hits the Spot: STDs in STG

Dear Dr. G,

Like some of the other people who have written to you, I am just getting back into the dating scene here in St. George.  I am older (44) and I would like to be sexually active.  However, I am feeling awkward about bringing up the whole condom thing when I go on dates.  Is it really that big of a deal now that I can’t actually make babies anymore?

Sincerely,
Awkward

Dear Awkward (awkward is the least of your worries),

I’ve always said to my kids, “I’d rather buy a condom than a car seat, so here’s my Costco card.”  Alliteration at its best, plus no babies or STDs!  Win, Win!

We know that babies exist here in St. George, but since you can’t make anymore, those are actually not what that condom would help you avoid right now.  The bigger problem is that STDs exist here in St. George.  Planned Parenthood over on Bluff can fill you in on the statistical side of things, but just know that sexually transmitted diseases are alive and well and quite preventable with a capital ‘P’, (especially if we spell condom with a P).  You may have thought that STDs were something you could see, or that you would intuitively know if they existed in your partner, or perhaps you thought that people over 40 were immune to them.  No, no, and no!  Those rampant UNsexy diseases are completely preventable, but not completely noticeable, and quite frankly no one is immune. Often there are no symptoms, which means that people can have one and genuinely not know they have it unless they have been tested.  (On a related note: if someone is saying, “I was just tested last week and I’m clean,” works for you, I have some beachfront property over by Red Mountain I’d like to sell to you.)

As with many dangers in life, with STDs we often take the stance that it could never happen to us.  But, putting our collective head in the sand is no remedy, and (when you think about it…) it actually isn’t a good physical position to be in when trying to avoid an STD.  Digression, indeed.

Let me tell you a story that could/should strike fear into the heart of any sexually active, non-monogamous human not using condoms.  It goes something like this: Michelle met a very nice guy here in town.  He was friendly, polite, and funny; he could have a conversation about more than the weather, and he had a great job as an elementary school teacher.  As the relationship grew, they eventually ended up in bed together doing more than sleeping.  Two weeks later, he off-handedly notified her that he had herpes; an STD for which there is no cure.  She was understandably devastated.  She said that she had felt that he was trustworthy, and she had actually checked for signs.  But, she had failed to ask him, he had failed to tell her up front, and they had failed to use a condom.  Live and learn is now live and burn.  Ouch!

You are not alone with your question.  Thirty years ago when I was in high school, there was very little talk of sex, much less of STDs.  Sex-ed started and ended with, “Abstain!”  In 1985, when Rock Hudson announced he had AIDS, it was more or less the end of complacency for my generation, and probably the first time many of us had been exposed to the realities of STDs.  Then in 1991 when Magic Johnson made the same announcement, we all started to pay attention. This little history lesson isn’t for naught.  The fact is, many single people older than 40 are still fairly naive when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases.  We weren’t raised with the idea that condoms prevent more than just babies, and some adults in this category are under the impression that once they are beyond the baby-making years, protection-free sex is the new black.  But, orange is actually the new black, and condoms come in orange color and flavor.  It is just not wise to ignore what is now common sense by giving in to the awkward feelings that arise when the thought of pulling out a condom enters your head.  (All sorts of pun intended.)

It really is as important as fire safety (think: Stop, drop, and roll). The same idea switched up a little is a great reminder. Just Stop, Crop, and Roll.
1. Stop (making out)
2. Crop (off the top of the condom wrapper)
and
3. Roll (it on)

Awkward is part of the dating process.  Sex is also part of the dating process for many people.  Awkward sex may or may not happen, but awkward pre-sex discussions involving STDs and condoms need to happen! I don’t actually know whether you are male or female, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter.  ALL of us need to protect ourselves from unwanted bedfellows showing up in the form of a virus!  (And no, I’m not referring to anyone specific from that scary dating site.)  You will save yourself all sorts of regret-filled days if you will be proactive and become familiar with, and live by these words: “I have a condom, and I know how to use it!”

Now go get your dating game on,
Dr. G

Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank is a licensed associate mental health counselor. She has a bachelor’s degree in special education, and a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. (“Dr. G” is her pen name. She isn’t a REAL doctor.)