An Elvis conspiracy
By Stephen Philip Druce
Rock n’ roll legend Elvis Presley ate himself, according to his one-time house cleaner.
Elvis’s coroner at the time stated that the iconic musician had died as a result of a cardiac arrhythmia, a condition brought on by prescribed drugs Valium, morphine, and Demerol.
However, Graceland cleaner Ruth Harrison, now 72, claims to have witnessed Elvis devouring himself at home Aug. 16, 1977.
“I’ve decided to speak out now and reveal the truth to the world before I myself pass away,” Harrison said. “On that fateful day, I was trying to unblock one of the toilets with a golf club when I heard an unusual munching sound coming from the kitchen area.”
“I went to investigate and saw Elvis eating himself,” she said. “I asked him why he was doing it, and he replied, ‘Well, just lately, I’ve had a thing for indulging in a comprehensive flesh feast frenzy festival.’”
“So I said, ‘It’s a bit incongruous, though, isn’t it? It’s not even Eat Yourself Week.’”
“That’s the trouble with you cleaners who never eat themselves,” Elvis said. “All you do is wander around vacuuming, polishing, scrubbing, and spraying stuff in the air like neurotic pathological maniacs.
So I told him, “Well, sorry Elvis, I just think that singing a melancholy ballad will be a more appropriate farewell to the world than just lying on the kitchen floor eating your own asshole.”
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