Helping children learn to make good decisions

Decisions, decisions, decisions. We make them each and every day of our lives, from what time we will get out of bed and what we will eat that day to whom we will associate with. These hundreds of little choices help us navigate our daily lives. Some choices don’t really matter, yet others may have a huge impact on our lives. Children also make many of the same types of decisions we make each day, but many lack the skills they need to make wise choices. That is where we as parents can step in and help them.

One of my goals as a parent is to not only help my children learn to navigate life in a positive way but to help them to learn to make good decisions and to take accountability for their actions. Each one of those decisions we make—be it for good or for ill—has a consequence attached to it. Helping children to make decisions and to be accountable for those decisions seems more and more like an uphill battle. Maybe it is just me seeing this, but I have seen a dramatic shift in our social culture regarding personal accountability, especially in the last couple of years.

Popular culture is trying to feed us and our children a lie. It tries to tell us that everyone should be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want. If it feels good, then why not do it?  Unfortunately, too many people—including many adults and youth alike—believe there should not be any consequences to their behavior.

You don’t have to look hard to see examples of the lack of accountability. All you have to do is to turn on the evening news to see politicians not only dodge questions but outright lie to look good. Movie and music stars are just as bad, as their faces cover the tabloids and entertainment news with stories of drug busts, drunk driving, and mug shots, all glorifying their fame. For the most part, these celebrities get a slap on their wrist and are free to continue to live a life of destruction leaving parents to scratch their heads.

Is it any wonder then with these types of examples, that this kind of behavior is emulated and even celebrated by our youth of today? Last week, it seemed almost daily that I saw news showing youths delivering verbal as well as physical attacks on teachers and other figures of authority. Many people were asking, “How could this happen? Why is it happening so much now?” One reason I believe that violence as well as intimidation and bullying are on the rise is that accountability is not being taught or learned.

It is essential that our children learn that every decision they make comes with some type of consequence. According to Webster’s Dictionary, a consequence is simply a result of an action or condition. Consequences can be good or not so good, depending on the choice made. For example, if a child decides to obey a parent’s rule, they may gain a reward as a consequence of making a good choice. However, if a child decides to sneak out and go to a friend’s house without asking, they may be grounded as a consequence of their bad choice.

As children mature, so do the options of choices they have in their lives. As they grow into their teenage years, a child that has not learned how to make wise decisions and how to be accountable for them is more likely to make decisions that will impact their future in a negative way.

At the end of my senior year in high school, several popular football players made the decision right before graduation to go out drinking. They made a wrong choice in deciding to drink and drive that night, forever changing their future when their car crashed. As a consequence, they all ended up in the hospital. Sadly one of the boys, the former Prom King, ended up paralyzed from the waist down. Any dreams of a football scholarship, dancing, or even walking down the aisle were over in an instant of a bad decision. Sadly some consequences cannot be erased.

The time to start teaching our children how to make good decisions and to take responsibility for their actions is when they are very young and learn the best. Experts say that one of the best ways we can help to foster the skill of making good decisions is to have expectations or boundaries that are developmentally appropriate for the child.

Decision making really is a skill that can be learned and fine tuned. Experts say that children who grow up learning to make their own decisions become responsible adults who are able to make wise decisions. Isn’t that what we want for our children?

There are many benefits to children learning to make their own decisions. When they make a good decision, they reap the feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment because they are the ones who made the choice, not Mom or Dad. When your children make bad decisions, they may suffer for those choices, but they can learn from the experience and hopefully make better choice in the future.

Another step toward helping children make good decisions is to point out two or three different choices they can make and talk with them about what the possible consequences of each choice may be. The hardest part is letting them decide which one they will do. This can be tough to do since in many cases, we can see which one will be the best. Seeing them fail—or not being able to do something they wanted—because of a poor choice can be heart wrenching sometimes, but it is crucial that we allow them to accept the consequences of that choice. We help them of course when it is needed and asked for, but we should never rescue them from every situation. If we never let them fail, they will never know the sweetness of success.

Helping children to learn to make good decisions is a powerful way we can help them succeed in life. After all, the decisions they learn to make now will dictate who and what they will become, as well as the life paths they will follow. Why not start now?