Dear Dr. G,
My sex life is beginning to bother me. It’s getting to the point where I can’t even have an orgasm because it’s the same old, same every time. I love my wife, and I love her body, but sometimes I feel like I need more in order to enjoy sex. I don’t ever want to cheat on her, but at times I like to think about something different than what we are actually doing in the moment. Am I just bored? Am I weird? Are sexual fantasies cheating?
From what I can tell, you certainly aren’t weird, and while you may be bored, sexual fantasies don’t correlate with cheating on your significant other.
Sex, like all other areas, is only one portion of the relationship pie. However, it’s an important slice. While you may have access to your very favorite flavor every day, it is certainly not abnormal to want to try something different now and then; perhaps some ice cream on the side, or whip cream on the top, or two slices at once. There are many ways to go about trying different flavors without leaving the table where are you and your partner are both seated.
Sexual fantasies are common, acceptable, and definitely healthy. While there are different boundaries for sexual fantasies in every relationship, in general, if you and your partner have good communication, you can figure out what those boundaries are and let your fantasies begin. Depending on what turns you on, you might choose to watch, verbalize, read about, or act out those fantasies.
If you are visually stimulated, you certainly have quick, easy access to a simple help. Finding something sexual to watch on the internet is easier than making toast!
As with any relationship issue, communication is always key! Talk to your partner. He or she may be feeling the same way.
Pornography does not have to be something considered deviant. If you and your partner were interested in that, you would definitely be in good company. There are certainly couples who enjoy watching porn together since it can both give them ideas as well as stimulate the visual palate. That said, if your spouse doesn’t want to participate in watching something with you, there’s no reason you can’t watch something alone before your sexual encounter.
Let me add that it would be wise to discuss pornography-watching with your partner as it is definitely a hot topic that could lead to far worse problems than sexual boredom if it is done in secret. If that kind of thing is that not acceptable to you or your spouse, there are, of course, other options.
Verbalizing fantasies can be great for both partners if you find that you enjoy hearing from them what they like or if you know that you like telling the stories you have in your mind. You can discuss beforehand what kind of stories turn you on, and then your partner can talk about or tell stories involving exactly what he or she knows excites you.
Being able to say what you want in a sexual scenario is actually difficult for a lot of people. Storytelling is a great way to begin the process of learning to say the words describing things you would like to have done or things you would like to do without feeling too vulnerable. Understand that the stories that are told and experiences that are recounted in this situation do not necessarily have to be true. A fantasy is just that: something that you might really want to do but may never actually try. When it comes to reading about fantasies, if that is something you and your spouse like, you could read a steamy novel together, or you might try texting or emailing fantasies back and forth to each other during the day. Think of it as foreplay. This works really well for a lot of couples, because it keeps the sexual thoughts about each other going throughout the day, and it has a hint of secrecy or naughtiness associated with it since it can be going on in front of everyone (kids included) with no one actually knowing.
Acting out your fantasies in a role-playing situation is yet another way to add spice in the bedroom. It is common for people to feel less exposed if they can pretend to be someone else rather than feeling raw and rejected if things don’t go as planned in the scenario. Role playing doesn’t necessarily mean sadism and masochism are included; it can be something as benign as calling your partner by a different name. Couples sometimes choose to role play and add another partner to their sexual fantasies.
Addressing sexual fantasies in this particular way is the one I consider most risky as the opportunity for emotions to get out of control is rampant, and there is most always one person who is more attached than the others. For this reason, couples who invite others to participate in their intimacy must be very trusting and feel extremely safe with each other in order to not cause harm to the relationship.
As with any relationship issue, communication is always key! Talk to your partner. He or she may be feeling the same way. Remember that if you want berry pie but apple happens to be the special of the day, you aren’t required to eat it. You can always ask if berry is available … or if it might be on the menu soon.
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