By Joseph Nelson
The Southern Utah Mormon Support Group meets every Sunday at the Smith’s at Dinosaur Crossing at 1 p.m. Meetings usually last until around 2:30 p.m. You will find us in the community room that is at the north end of the building by the pharmacy. We welcome everyone that needs a listening ear or needs help replacing the community they lost after leaving.
I started the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group because I needed a place where people understand the pain and hurt I felt when my worldview shattered. I needed someone who knew what it feels like to have a spouse who still believes. It helped me talk about things and heal without straining my relationships. After a time, more people started coming, and the group became a soft place for people to land outside of Mormonism.
When I started Southern Utah Mormon Support Group, it was just two people every Sunday at Harmon’s in the eatery section, and it slowly grew from there. About eight months later, it was suggested that we move the group to a quieter place. We chose the new Smith’s at Dinosaur Crossing because it had a community room that could be used free of charge, and there was of course food and drink available for anyone that wanted to buy and bring to the meeting.
Over time, the group just kept growing, and I found myself getting more involved by getting the word out. We now average 17–20 people each week. A few regulars come most every week, and we always have new faces every single Sunday. Some people only need to come once just to know that they are not alone and to make connections. We have had about 100 different people attend at one time or another.
Although there is a larger post-Mormon group that meets once a month, which is a fantastic group, we felt that it was not addressing the more immediate needs of those who were finding their world turned upside down, in most cases due to new information about LDS Church history that for years had been kept hidden from its members. These people just needed someone to talk to and not necessarily a speaker talk on some aspect of Mormonism.
The Southern Utah Mormon Support Group is very casual, and its purpose is to make people feel welcomed among other like-minded people and to allow them to tell their stories. There is no structure other than introductions, after which the conversation just evolves in any direction that the participants choose. Every Sunday ends up different in the way our discussion evolves: sometimes it is about current events in Mormonism, and sometimes it leans into philosophy, but mostly it centers around people grappling with new information, dealing with torn relationships within families, and discussing how best to deal with and repair those relationships if possible.
Many people who were never Mormon or still are sometimes have difficulty understanding the stress that often accompanies leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What follows is a series of testimonials from members of the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group. They help illustrate the pain of leaving Mormonism, but they also reveal the interpersonal struggles that arise in the wake of leaving the faith as well as how this group lends a helping hand to those who need it most during a very painful time in many people’s lives.
Paul and Julie’s story
We have been married for almost 35 years. Last year, we moved to St. George from out of state. Julie was born and raised in the LDS church in a very active LDS family with pioneer heritage. Paul converted to the LDS church a couple of years after we married. We were both actively engaged in church responsibilities and activities as we raised our children. We enjoyed being active in the church and had some great experiences through the LDS church.
A few years ago, Julie heard about some issues with women in the church protesting in Salt Lake City. An Internet search for information on the protests let to LDS and post-LDS podcasts and blogs. Issues with church history and recent church policy were both surprising and disturbing for us. After a couple of years of “trying to make it work,” we decided that we could no longer participate in the LDS church.
Knowing that making a retirement move to St. George might present challenges socially, we were happy to find the post-Mormon support group. Paul says meeting with former and questioning LDS members has helped to validate feelings and provide a forum to discuss ideas, share experiences, and talk about current “church in the news” information. We both agree that the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group has been invaluable.
Grant and Michelle’s story
We both come from pioneer heritage — sixth generation Mormon. Michelle’s grandfather funded the startup of the church and donated the land for the Kirkland temple. He was JS counselor and his doctor.
Michelle was raised in California and considered herself an elite Mormon. Her children referred to her as “Nazi Mormon” with zero room for faltering in the standards set by the church. Her life was dedicated wholly to building up the kingdom — it is what gave her purpose.
To illustrate, when we met, Michelle’s first question was, “Where do you stand with the church?” and she continued with, “If you don’t measure up or make me choose, I will choose the church every time.” Grant’s answer was that he considered himself a Zen Mormon, meaning his experience of God didn’t match with what he had been taught, therefore he found a more Zen space to exist within his Salt Lake City community, which was predominantly LDS. Both served in various leadership callings.
The first door opening to questioning belief came as we started the process to be sealed, which meant Michelle needed a cancellation of her first sealing. Grant warned that he felt it could get ugly and that he did not believe they needed to subject themselves to that. Michelle was adamant that they pursue it and get the sealing. As matters progressed, it became incredibly abusive and harmful for our family. It was the first time in Michelle’s life when she questioned what her belief was based upon. It became clear that there was no inspiration from God through the entire process. Once the inspection and questioning began, it all fell apart.
We quit attending at that time — 2003. In 2008, we actively and very publicly protested against the church’s insertion into California’s Proposition 8, the ballot initiative to ban same-sex marriage. Michelle’s son was one of the first to be married in San Francisco — to a returned Mormon missionary. We ended up in the documentary film “8: The Mormon Proposition.”
We hoped that our activism would lead to excommunication. It did not.
In November 2008, we resigned with six of our nine children. The remaining three children are very active LDS, and our family experienced a time of complete disconnection from them due to the fact that we were considered apostates, and the LDS Church teaches not to associate with apostates.
We enjoy attending the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group meetings to hear others’ diverse and interesting stories. We hope that we offer a glimpse into the future for those who are beginning their journey and trying to navigate life outside of the confines and rigors of the church. It can be difficult to realize your value as simply a good human being, living life, serving, and contributing outside of religious purposes to gain salvation — having gone through a two-year grieving process ourselves.
Jared and Elaine’s story
We are a couple who moved from Oregon nine years ago. We were both raised in the church but were inactive for 12 years, then renewed activity when we arrived in Utah. Three of our four sons served a mission.
Our “aha” moment was when our oldest son started listening to podcasts from Mormon Stories, then started reading CES letters and any other books they could find. Elaine’s “aha” moment was when she read “American Crucifixion.” Jared’s “aha” moment was when he read the CES letters. Three of our sons are out of church now, and they are hoping that their returned missionary will also be out soon. We get camaraderie and fellowship out of weekly Southern Utah Mormon Support Group meetings. It is nice to hear other people’s struggles and know they are not alone.
Mark and Ilene’s story
My wife and I are both descendants of long lines of pioneers. I was raised in Idaho and she in Utah County. We did everything Mormons are supposed to do: baptism, seminary, BYU, missions, getting sealed in the temple, and being active in our church callings. I have worked for all three BYUs as a professor and as a psychologist in the counseling centers. Abish attended BYU campuses in Provo and Rexburg during her undergraduate studies. I stopped participating in the LDS Church in 2013, and Mark stopped in 2015.
There are many things that contributed to our transition away from Mormonism. Aside from the obvious misogyny, anti-intellectualism, homophobia, racism, and financial gratuitousness, meeting with thousands of Mormons as an LDS psychologist opened my eyes quickly to the disparities between public vs. private presentations, spirituality vs. religion, and the devastating effects Mormonism can have on an individual’s mental health.
Additionally, the lies and whitewashing the LDS Church blatantly disseminates were too much to deny. I was taught to have integrity, and when I recognized that the very church that claimed to be “perfect” was deprived of that quality, it was time to go.
In one week, literally, I quit my job at the university, sold our house, and moved across country to start our new life, void of religion and full of a new conviction: to be moral and kind, not out of duty or fear but our of desire.
We have never been happier since that time, but it was heartbreaking for our families. My mother still has a picture of Jesus holding a black sheep above her mantle. I’m proud to be that black sheep and only wish more of my family would open their minds — even just a little bit.
Making the transition away from Mormonism can be challenging. It consumes entire families, towns, and cultures. Attending the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group on Sundays is a way for us to feel connected, laugh, and process the trauma of leaving a fundamentalist religion.
Living in St. George as an ex-Mormon can be extremely isolating. The good news is there are many of us here — and many more to come. We can share in our discovery that life is beautiful, full, and fascinating without Mormonism.
Steve and Rhonda’s story
My wife and I grew up within 10 minutes of Salt Lake City in a highly concentrated LDS population. We were both born in the covenant and had had many callings in the LDS church. I served a mission abroad and enjoyed the experience. Upon returning home, I entered the dating scene and met and married my wife soon after. We decided that we wanted to finish school before having children, and that set us apart from the typical married LDS couple.
I didn’t have an “aha” moment. I enjoy the sciences, and too many theories are contradictory to or don’t coincide with the LDS beliefs. I had tried for years to try to bend the beliefs to fit the theories within the scientific community. I realized that I just needed to “have faith” and that I would understand in due time, and I put my doubts on the back burner.
Near the end of my schooling, I came across some church history that I had always thought was anti-Mormon. It changed everything. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and it was backed up by church-published sources.
I studied solo for a while, and I eventually showed my wife. She, of course, was caught off guard with what I had been reading and was against me leaving the church.
After about a year, I discovered the Gospel Topic Essays, and she and I started studying them together for family night. Within a week of continued study, we had both decided to leave the LDS church for good.
After we had left, we felt utterly alone. We hadn’t told our families yet, but that would come. We didn’t have a ward anymore (we had moved around the same time we started studying the Essays), and we didn’t have any friends in the area. We were miserable.
I came across the weekly Southern Utah Mormon Support Group meeting on Reddit, and we decided to see how it was.
We didn’t know what to expect. The people we met at the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group and the friendships we have gained were everything we needed. The people at the meetings have experienced similar situations and are understanding and loving. The Southern Utah Mormon Support Group helped us to make it through the extremely difficult transition out of the LDS church.
Nick’s story
I was born and raised as an orthodox Latter Day Saint. I came from a large family who are all currently still active in the church. From a very young age, it was pretty much the centerpiece of my life, attending weekly church meetings, scouts, and release time seminary.
All my older brothers served faithful missions except one, who chose not to serve and got married instead. Knowing this, I wanted to make sure and follow my other siblings’ paths and serve a faithful mission.
Despite him not serving a mission, he has maintained activity in the church throughout his life. I served on the Seminar Council my senior year and looked forward to serving my mission when I receive my call. It was never a question of if I would serve a mission, but only where my call would be to.
Upon my return, I was married in the temple just a few months later. I was fully active in my callings and church attendance, rarely missing a month of home teaching, holding weekly family home evenings, doing regular family scripture study, and raising my children actively in an LDS lifestyle. My children have been selected to serve on their seminary councils and chose to serve missions when they came of age and attend LDS colleges.
Although and active believer with a strong testimony of the gospel, never really questioning if it was true, I at times found myself at odds on certain things with my wife regarding the level of orthodoxy to which we should practice the religion. My wife argued that the TV should never be watched on Sunday unless it was a church-produced or related video. She was also very strict regarding all of us getting up prior to school for family scripture study regardless of other factors, and I noticed myself having issues with being sleep deprived and struggling to manage being tired throughout the day.
As I would make requests for alternatives to some of these standards, like reading at night or watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I was viewed as not being faithful or being lax in my morals or commitments to the gospel.
About this time, as I was serving in the Elders Quorum Presidency, I was informed in a ward council meeting about the “Gospel Topic Essays” on lds.org regarding some of the controversial issues involving the church. I had never heard of these, but it sparked an interest, leading me to read them. Instead of resolving my concerns, I found that as I read them I became more concerned and curious about church history, which I previously had not had much interest in.
I then proceeded to do some internet searches and gospel reading, trying very carefully to consider all aspect from the faithful church information on lds.org and apologetic view points along with some non-member sources. I had been praying for some time to be able to know what was “true” and felt this was my opportunity to grow in my learning and pondering of questions I had.
To my complete surprise, all my research and study of all the different sources kept indicating to me that what I had been taught about church history was not fully accurate. In fact, I came to learn that there was quite a common consent among non-members and church apologists that the church narrative being taught was skewed and designed to cover up many of the concerning facts of church history.
To be honest, I was quite disappointed and struggled to take it all in. I was feeling a huge loss in my life. Everything I had known or thought I knew now was being challenged.
When I tried to bring up my concerns and doubts to my wife, and eventually to my children, I was met with rebuke and fear. Instead of allowing me to bring up the insights and information I had come across, I was told to keep it to myself as to not threaten any one else’s testimony. I was told mixed messages. They said they supported me on my faith journey but did not want to hear anything about it and that they knew that I was being lead down the wrong path by Satan as the church was the one and only true church.
This did not feel supportive to me, and eventually I started to feel like an outcast in my own family.
Despite the fact that I was feeling alone and ostracized, I hesitated to reach out, not knowing who or what sources to trust. I knew that Utah is a predominantly Latter Day Saint state, and I wanted to be cautious of who I told about this as I feared it would likely impact my reputation. Because I was so involved in an LDS lifestyle, I didn’t know many people outside of the faith. I tried talking with some extended family members about my faith journey, and while somewhat empathetic to what I was feeling and going through, for the most part they seemed more interested in bringing me back into the fold and helping me to see all the good the church has to offer.
I knew and understood that the church had many positive aspects about it, and I still continue to see much good in the church and its teachings, but felt I could not ignore the concerning aspects I had learned both about the modern day church and its views towards LGBTQ+ members and personal interview practices along with historical concerns of the church including polygamy, polyandry, blacks and the priesthood, Joseph Smith’s translation of the book of Abraham, and many inconsistencies with doctrine changing frequently when I was taught that God was an unchanging God.
I began questioning why God would give doctrine only to completely change that doctrine down the road. It just didn’t make rational sense to me. I felt like understanding the church and church history all the sudden became a great passion of mine, with me trying to understand more and more about the real history rather than the one that had been presented to me at my church meetings and my entire upbringing in the church.
However, I had no one I could even talk to about this who seemed to understand or be interested in talking about these things.
This was a very lonely time. I did an Internet search regarding any local supports or resources that I could turn to. That was when I came cross the Southern Utah Mormon Support Group.
Honestly, despite feeling alone, I waited several months after finding out about the group before attending for my first time. It took a lot of courage to show up for my first meeting, and I wasn’t sure what I would find there.
I remember my first time attending a meeting and being welcomed with open arms. The thing that seemed to help the most was to be able to sit for an hour or so and listen and talk with people of like minds who have experienced some of the similar faith shifts that I have.
Each one is on his or her own journey, and many have differing levels of spiritual beliefs and lifestyles. However, I can tell that they all are good people striving to live good, happy, and productive lives. It was interesting to find that they were not a lot different from I had been as a member of the church in their desires to raise healthy children, live authentic and meaningful lives, and to care about others. I can see that for the most part they are choosing to live good lives and have found happiness in the lives they are living outside of the church. I have found that some choose to continue to live primarily a similar lifestyle as they did as members of the church while others may choose to live a more secular lifestyle.
However, the interesting thing is that regardless of the lifestyle they choose I have noticed the internal joy and life satisfaction they express as they are able make choices authentic to them while still maintaining a sense of values and principles by which to live by. These are really good people who I would feel comfortable being my neighbors or inviting over for dinner. They do not match the typical “anti-Mormon” profile that I would have expected as an active Latter Day Saint. It was quite refreshing to be able to connect with people who believed as I once did, have had a faith transition, and to see that they are still experiencing joy and happiness in their lives.
The main pain I have heard is not around what someone might label as a “sinful life” or “mistakes” from leaving the church but primarily around the lost connection from family and friends as a result of their leaving the church and the feelings of judgment they have received from time to time for their decision. While some share positive examples of friends and family being supportive and understanding, it is sad to see the pain many experience as a result of choosing different faith beliefs.
The Southern Utah Mormon Support Group has really helped me as I remain in a mixed-faith marriage and have experienced a significant amount of that pain myself. The group provides the needed empathetic ear that I wish my family would have, which definitely helps ease the natural burden of going through a faith transition. I’m sure that more people in our community are going through a similar struggle and hope that they are able to have the courage to reach out for support and friendship to help them navigate through their journey.
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