Being inconsistent, or the struggle against structure

I am an inconsistent person. I don’t want to be inconsistent. I have struggled most of my life against being inconsistent, but what I have come to realize is, we really can’t change who we are.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. Don’t misunderstand me. We can always make changes to our habits, reactions, and the way we process information. We can certainly grow and learn and integrate new ideas and belief systems. Doing those things is what this column is all about. Living not just a life with purpose (because you are the only one who has the right to judge what has purpose and meaning for you), but living a life on purpose. Being a creator and a participant rather than a victim, or even worse, apathetic.

What I am talking about is our core personality, the traits that make me ultimately me. For years, I have dealt with the struggle to be consistent, to have structure, to stay inside the lines if you will. It is an everyday challenge. It is brutal. I would say I simply cannot do it, because I have never been successful at it, but I am sure if I ultimately had to (like at gunpoint), I could. The point is, when I try, when I force myself to adhere to a structure, I am miserable. I am miserable, and I fail every single time. Sure, I can pull it off for awhile but then something else always catches my attention and my heart and sends me tumbling in the other direction. And that other thing is usually really great!

I just wasn’t made for a structured existence, but alas this is not the way of the world. This is not good parenting. This is not a roadmap to success. I have been told these things my whole life. I have believed them. Heck, I have probably even told them to others at some point. But I was missing the point. We were all missing the point.

Whatever makes you feel content, productive, and successful, that is what matters. Stop trying to fit yourself inside a box that says “one size fits all” and create your living space in whatever shape fits you.  

I suppose some people find structure very comforting. Having a schedule they rely on, getting up or eating the same foods everyday, a routine. For a long time, I thought that was what was missing from my life. I thought if I can just keep this schedule, do this thing, or be consistent in this area, then everything in my life would be great. Everything would somehow magically fall into place. Well, that didn’t ever happen, and for me, I don’t believe that to be true anymore.

Granted, I can obviously stick to a schedule well enough to keep a job, be in school, teach school, keep my child alive, and keep a home with food on the table. I have been successful in these areas, but I am talking about is a rigorous personal structure. I can’t seem to stick to a schedule of structure in my personal life. Some days I feel like getting up early, some days I sleep late. I go through periods where I find myself super busy and loving it, sometimes I just want to float along and just see what happens. Sometimes I want to cook dinner every night, and sometimes I don’t want to cook at all. My life is an ever-changing routine that seems to have no pattern. For a long time, I have struggled against thinking that if I could just find the “right” routine it would stick, but this week I realized something: Having no routine is my routine, and I actually like it.

It is often those times that I am being inconsistent that I have found the most joy. I’m referring to those things that just end up happening. The chance meeting of new and interesting people. The wrong turn that leads to an amazing discovery. The impromptu adventures that often turn out much better than anything I could have planned.

I feel good when I can be spontaneous and do what feels right in the moment. As long as I do the things that are important in life, what does it matter to anyone but me if I keep a structured schedule? I don’t need to have a rigorous schedule and a structured life to be successful. So if I decide I want to paint for a couple of months, then I will paint. If I decide I want to take guitar lessons, I will take guitar lessons. If I decide that I want to teach yoga, or write a book, or travel the world for a year, then that is what I should do. Instead of trying to “fix’ my lack of consistency, I am going to embrace it. Instead of trying to fit inside a box, I am going to create my own shape. Instead of looking at this character trait as a problem that needs to be fixed, I am going to embrace it. It is who I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.