Friends with awards fatigue confide that it's hard to stay awake during "woke" lectures from the glitterati.
Friends with awards fatigue confide that it’s hard to stay awake during “woke” lectures from the glitterati.

Are you suffering from awards fatigue?

When I was a starstruck youth, I watched more than my fair share of televised awards programs. But in my nearly 28 years of wedded bliss, such showbiz soirees have consumed only minuscule amounts of my time.

That’s because my wife was heavily influenced by her grandfather. He taught her to keep things in perspective. He realized that the great people getting paid handsomely to inhale a stadium microphone or dutifully regurgitate the lines written by some faceless scribe were just mere mortals after all.

So Melissa can laugh herself to tears watching a raucous comedy or sing along to a beach-era ditty on the car stereo, but she doesn’t feel compelled to gawk at the performers in their “off duty” hours. Sort of how she and I are deeply appreciative of the talents of our electricians, plumbers, doctors, and hairstylists but don’t desire to sit through three hours of industry accolades for categories like “best supporting performance in operating a Pooper Scooper in the salon parking lot.”

At least when the actors are submerged in their roles, we can tell the heroes from the villains. When they’re on the red carpet or on “Ellen,” we get an ambiguous message like, “By producing my own cocaine with a process developed by my sixth wife, I saved enough to donate $100,000 to Somalian orphans.”

If we had watched more awards shows over the decades, we would probably suffer the same awards fatigue currently experienced by a large portion of the populace. Networks are overjoyed if broadcasts hold steady with the lackluster ratings of the previous year. Pushback is coming from people who don’t like the endless proliferation of shows, the heavy-handed political tone of the ceremonies, the bloated length of the broadcasts, or the fact that they don’t recognize any of the nominated films.

Yes, the depressing artsy films are the ones that get all the industry buzz and the awards nominations. You know, the sort of films that get advertised to hipsters as “the feel-good-and-ready-to-slash-your-wrists movie of the year!”

I’m so thankful that Hollywood’s fascination with allegory, metaphor, and nonlinear storytelling doesn’t get transferred to the real world. “So, do you understand how the office process works?” “Yes, ma’am.” “Darn! We’ll have to start all over!”

Friends confide that it’s hard to stay awake during “woke” lectures from the glitterati. Maybe it would liven things up if the Price-Waterhouse accountants who tabulate the votes instead analyzed the economics aptitude of our idols. Maybe we wouldn’t have to endure “If we just taxed billionaires for blinking, we could afford to give everyone in the solar system their own genderfluid, unicorn-powered train!”

At least with the music awards, they’re always trying to keep you entertained with improbable “event” mashups of artists from different genres who just love, love, love each other. “I admire you!” “I admire you more!” “Ever since I was a little kid in a gated community, I dreamed of an audience someday asking, ‘You call that country music?'”

I can just imagine a producer getting ready for one of these events. “At this point, the spotlight shines on Irving Berlin, who sings about the diverse group of &%$#@ he slapped around while shooting cops. What? Irving died in 1989? Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning. Wait, call those Oscar-winning special effects guys. God bless animation!”

The viewpoints expressed above are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Independent.

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Danny Tyree
Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers. Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998. Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper. Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998. Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana. Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

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