Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
The luck of the Irish will be with you this week when after drinking a fifth of Jameson’s you drunkenly drive home without killing anyone, at least as far as you’ll be able to remember.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
You’ll preemptively quit your job at DSU this week since it’s apparently a matter of time before any given employee is capriciously fired for no given reason. In ‘N’ Out Burger is hiring, by the way. Better pay, less stress.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Your private studies in genetics will lead you to discover that humans and sheep cannot interbreed. Even if you try really hard. Several times a day.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
Plans for getting together with friends or a romantic partner might have to be postponed today, except that you don’t have friends or a romantic partner … so nevermind.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Rep. Mike Noel will personally appear at your home this week and bite your penis clean off.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
Hello! Your astrological sign is literally Cancer. What do you think the future holds for you? Hmm? You guessed it — AIDS.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
You’ll get sick from drinking green beer later this week, not because you’ll drink too much but because you’ll find an open beer in your garage from last year and think the alcohol makes it safe. Nope.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
After trying your hand at yoga this week, you’ll start to feel more comfortable with the idea of involving the rest of your body.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
A little spring cleaning will reunite you with your long lost hamster, Erastus McNibbles. The good news is that you needed to get more fertilizer anyway.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
You will narrowly avoid a dark night of the soul this week when you opt for a dark night of Motown instead.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Don’t fight your feelings this week. Just ignore them and entomb them under a mound of denial.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
The luck of the Irish will be with you this month when after drinking a fifth of Jameson’s you’ll beat your spouse and get away with it.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
