The concept of balance has been something that has eluded me my entire life. I understand it, I believe it exists, but it has just never come to rest its pretty little head at my house. It is sort of like ghosts, or aliens—I am not saying they aren’t real; I have just never experienced one for myself… Balance is like the proverbial carrot on a stick I have been chasing for years. It feels like there is some evil entity holding that stick, and every time I get close to it, I hear this sinister belly laugh bellowing down from the heavens and then, poof! The carrot is gone—vanished. I will see it every now and again, bright, shiny, and fresh; the carrot seems to get bigger and more enticing every time I spot it down the road. It is always there, waving at me and smiling. But wait, is it smiling, or is it laughing? I think that carrot is actually flashing me a rather rude hand gesture…
Do other people feel this way? How does one achieve balance? For me, it always feels like I have to give something up in order to achieve this state of being. And even when I have been able to give up the thing that seemed to be sucking too much of my time and life away, it is usually quickly replaced by something else. I justify my unbalanced chaos in a myriad of respectable ways.
I have no basis or background knowledge to understand balance.
My childhood was the complete opposite of balance. I love you, Mom, but let’s be serious; it was mostly a short trip on the fast train to Crazy Town. As Ozzy so eloquently put it, “All aboaaaaaaaaard!” As a child, I never lived anywhere more than two years. I had attended nine different schools by the time I got to high school. I had a variety of stepdads, and therefore step-children and families coming in and out of my life.
I made some bad choices as a teenager that took me on my own little train ride to Crazy Town without a chaperone or a guide. According to the current trends in psychotherapy, this means that I am comfortable in chaos and will continue to create it in my life, blah, blah, blah… Well, honestly, I probably did do that for a long time, but not anymore. After years of hard work and some real honest assessment, I believe I can see these types of patterns when they come up now, and I can usually hop off the crazy train and grab a cab back to Sanityville.
There is just not enough time in the day.
How do people do it all? Somehow, I am under the impression that some people are able to do it all. Is this true? Is this not true? I see other moms that work, have a social life, their homes seem clean and orderly, their hair is combed and they look presentable, their children are in all kinds of activities, and they still have time for the gym or yoga or book club. For me, this is not my reality. I can do two or three of the above items well, but then the others end up being severely neglected. The house can be clean and orderly, or I can look presentable. Take your pick, but you can’t have both. I can be amazing at my jobs or have a social life, but then one usually starts cutting into the other’s time and killing it slowly. I can go to the gym, a yoga class, or I can spend that time trying to catch up on the severely neglected house and laundry, but then I feel guilty for not taking care of my body, which repays me by feeling tired and screaming at me to feed it more caffeine and carbs, which in turn actually makes me more tired and less able to get everything done. Then I just climb in the hamster wheel, put some hardcore ’90s rock in my headphones, and start running.
There are just too many things I want to do.
Life is amazing! There are so many experiences I still want to have, and things I want to accomplish. I have never understood how people can say they are bored. Really, how is that possible? I have a stack of books by my bed that I have been waiting to be read for the past two years, three movies sitting on the DVD player calling to me, and a plethora of new videos and songs on YouTube that I have yet to watch. I have golf clubs out in the garage collecting dust; they are calling my name softly, seductively, along with my beautiful bike, boxes of crafts, pictures, my paints, and my sewing machine. There are countless fun and enjoyable things to do, but there are just not enough hours in the day.
I want to run another race, attend a yoga retreat, jump out of an airplane, see the pyramids, climb Mount Everest, lay on beach in Fiji, write a book, sail on a sailboat, pray in a church in Rome, fall in love in Paris, and shop at a street market in India. Ahhhhhhh, the list goes on and on… I do feel the need to insert here that if I could just not work and money would fall from the sky a couple times a month to pay my bills, I am confident I could fit in all of these activities and still have time for guitar, dance, flying, Spanish, and scuba diving lessons.
People need me (and I need them too).
This one is a little tricky, and I hesitate to even put it out here because the opportunity for misconception is so high, but it is a big one. It has a multitude of layers. I am only going to scrape the top one or two. We all need people. We need people to value us, to connect with, to feel like we matter and that we make a difference on this planet, to love us, to make us feel important, and to help us learn and grow. In some cases, I am the person needing, and in other cases, I am the person being needed. I believe family is self-explanatory here, and being a mother is my most important job and purpose on this planet, so I try to keep that in perspective. Our children need us for all of the reasons listed above and more, but they also need us to be good examples and model positive behavior. I do the best that I can. Around my house, we often learn from my mistakes. I hope you are smiling as you read this, or completely laughing out loud, because you can relate. The main point here, besides family, is that as I have traveled down this messy, bumpy road of life, there have been many amazing and loving people along the way who have been there for me and helped me through the rough times. Therefore, I feel it is my responsibility to do the same for others—pay it forward, if you will. I repay those kind souls who went ahead of me by helping other people who need a hand coming up behind me. And we can’t forget the old adage that to have a friend, you have to be a friend. I want to be a person who gives back and adds to the world in a positive way. All of these things require balance.
So, with all of these responsibilities (and trust me, I use the term lightly)—things that I feel I need to do, and all of the wants—things that I want to do, how does a person achieve balance? It comes down to the three P’s: Perspective, priorities, and practices. Perspective changes everything. My perspective of balance and yours are probably not the same. What my body and psyche need to feel balanced may be very different from yours, so stop comparing! Figure out what feels good to you and accept that as balanced. Some people want to do more, some people can do more, and some people are happy with less. Figure out what makes you feel balanced and then strive to keep that. When you feel happy, calm, accomplished, and fulfilled, accept that as a balanced life.
I know that when I have a nice balance of busy and rest, I feel good. When I let any one area of my life take over too much time, then I begin to feel stressed and out of balance. When this happens, and I expect that it will happen again, then it is time to sit down and look at my priorities. I have come to realize that it is not realistic to be able to have all my wants. I can still want them, and have goals and aspirations, but I cannot chase that proverbial carrot on a daily basis and feel balanced. I do not have to be good at everything, and I do not get to have it all. Part of becoming a well-balanced person is figuring out what your priorities are and making sure they exist. If your priorities in life are being fulfilled, then all the other stuff gets to be just extra frosting on the cupcake of life. What I mean is, if I am doing the things that are most important to me on a daily basis, and other things have to be pushed aside for the moment, propelled into the future, or ignored altogether, I can still feel balanced and happy. Assessing my priorities and changing them as needed is a key component to staying balanced.
The last P, practices, is (for me) the hardest one to realize. It means when you find what works, practice it. Keep doing it on a daily basis and make it a habit in your life. If yoga makes you feel happy and balanced, then practice it. If volunteering, or writing, or gardening make you feel balanced, then practice doing these things. Make them a priority and change your perspective to include them in your daily living. Me, next time I see that sweet, shiny, smug carrot just ahead of me down the road, I am going to grab it, take it home, and make some carrot cake so that when I find myself quoting Ozzy, or on the fast train to crazy again, I can sit down, breathe, take a break, and enjoy a piece of that deliciously naughty carrot cake as I assess my priorities and practice my escape. Except, instead of calling a cab this time, I think I’ll paraglide into the next town, or bungee jump off that train right into my bucket list.
