Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
While you’ve always believed that paying for sex is immoral, you’ll break down and adopt a dog this week.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
The rapid level of growth that you’ve been experiencing could suddenly prove too much for you. Chemo time!
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
This week, your financial adviser will help you to diversify your portfolio of sexually-transmitted diseases.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
Your weekly church activities will take a strange turn when unable to find a virgin to sacrifice you are forced to kill yourself instead.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Numerology will reveal very little to you this week since you can barely count to ten. Pro tip: “R” is not a number.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You should be feeling especially strong and confident this week given the startling amount of steroids and testosterone supplements you’re on.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
You’ll be surprised this week when your boss suggests a new position for you: reverse cowgirl. Saddle up, buckaroo. At least it comes with a raise.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Joining students who’ve planned a march about gun control this week will prompt a severe regression into your five-year-old self, who also stomped around and yelled incoherently when he or she was upset.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Your atheist parents will be unsure whether or not to laugh when you insist that Stephen Hawking died for their sins.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Getting the ball rolling on a project you’ve been putting off will immediately go awry when you are unable to stop the ball from rolling, which will subsequently injure several children and careen through a neighbor’s living room.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Your misunderstanding of how yeast infections work will lead you to switch to unleavened bread.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You’ll finally learn how babies are made this week and, much to your relief, that humans can’t impregnate dogs — or vice versa.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
