People always come up to me and say, “Hey Jason, how come you so much write real good?” That is, when they’re not asking me, “Hey Jason, how come you’re so cool?” or “What is that smell?” or “Excuse me sir, you have to wear shoes in here.” Well, that last one isn’t a question, but I still get that a lot.
All I can say is that it’s a gift — but it’s not one I’m above sharing. As a wildly successful and highly-esteemed writer, I’ve developed five magic tips for writers that I like to call “Five Magic Tips For Writers.”
Magic tip for writers No. 1: Don’t forget to write it down
This is a fatal mistake that a lot of writers make. If you don’t write it down, it’s just thinking — or perhaps yelling, depending on your style. Just write it down. Write it on anything, a piece of paper, the wall, your leg, someone else’s leg, whatever.
Also, it’s a fact that every good writer writes. Another amateurish mistake people make is typing on a computer. This is a huge mistake! After all, you’re not a “typer.” Was Charles Dickens a famous typer? Do you even know who Charles Dickens was? He wrote “War and Peace,” idiot.
Magic tip for writers No. 4: Write drunk, edit sober
“The Internet has never been wrong about anything.” —Abraham Lincoln
According to the Internet, which has never been wrong about anything, this was Hemingway’s big secret. He was famous for writing short, blunt sentences, like “The man got drunk,” or “I am drunk.” After passing out, one can only guess in a puddle of his own excreta, he would wake up and continue drinking. But that sweet spot where he was still disoriented but not exactly drunk anymore was when he would sort through the incoherent ramblings from the night before. This was also why his writing comprised so many short phrases. “What? What the hell does this even say? Is this English? Oh well, we’ll just make it ‘The man got drunk.’” Magnifique.
Magic tip for writers No. 2: Only write in one language at a time
“Rychlého marron αλεπού कूद गयाオーバー他的 mabuk mmiliki.”
Terrible! Here’s how a real writer does it.
“The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy drunk.”
Magic tip for writers No. 3: Plagiarize like crazy!
Text comparisons of the letters of Paul (or more appropriately, “Paul”) have shown that the vocabulary is just all over the place. That ain’t the same dude. But in Biblical times, plagiarism was commonplace. If you wanted someone to read whatever stupid crap you wrote, you’d just scribble the name of a famous person at the top of the page. This is why the books of Paul were written by a bunch of random dudes. As an interesting variation of this trick, Matthew, Mark, and Luke all ripped off the same guy, some dude named “Q.”
The Bible is the No. 1 selling book of all time. Probably because of all the violence. So take a tip from the top: Write something about raping and pillaging and probably some smiting as well (and don’t forget to write it down, wink wink). Then just add “by Robert Frost” at the top, and good luck counting all that cash!
Come to think of it, I should have done that with this article. Damn.
Magic tip for writers No. 6: Never just make up a silly list of dumb things
If you are desperately trying to think of something to write and deadlines are crawling up your ass like starving tapeworms, you might say to yourself, “Hey, I can just make up a silly list of dumb things and pass that off as writing. Some schmuch is gonna read it, right?” Do not do this. Ever.
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