How to grow grass in the middle of the desert, for some reason
By Jamnit Frainkle
Do you live in an arid place that is inhospitable to most American plant life? Are you surrounded by rocks and orange, sandy dirt? Is your sense of vanity greater than the functional capacity of your prefrontal cortex or your sense of self preservation? Does your community already not have enough water to survive? Great! You should grow a lawn! Read on and I’ll share my expertise and deep knowledge of how to grow grass in the middle of the desert … for some reason.
First, you’ll need some grass seeds.
Sprinkle those babies all over the ground, and cover the ground with some straw or shredded copies of USA Today, St. George Edition.
If you plan on ruling over your own planet within the next hundred years and really don’t care about Earth at all (why would you?), just skip the seeds and just go for sod. Way easier.
Next, build a massive pipeline from Lake Powell. It’ll need to be about 150 miles long, and it’ll end up costing around $13 billion or so, so make sure you live in a community where groupthink is the norm and people do and believe what authority figures tell them without question. Make sure they are reproducing at a cancerous rate so that there will be plenty of unsuspecting taxpayers to carry that burden for you.
Now hook a water hose up to your house. Recklessly spray that precious water all over the ground. Doesn’t matter when. In areas of the country where it, like, rains and stuff and it isn’t suicidally illogical to try to grow a lawn, some people say that you should water your lawn at night. But drive by any golf course, school, or southern Utah neighborhood and you’ll see that this must not be true. So just spray that stuff whenever. You’ve got that pipeline, remember? Plus, expendable planet — doesn’t matter either way.
Within a certain amount of time — I don’t know how much because I’ve never actually grown a lawn since I live in the fucking desert — you’ll have a lush, gorgeous lawn just waiting to dry up when Lake Powell finally drains. Enjoy!
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Very funny! Love the articles. Hope your music is fun for you. I was looking to see who owned the pool and crawfish mountain climbing park. Wish I would have heard of it while there.
Very funny! Love the articles. Hope your music is fun for you. I was looking to see who owned the pool and crawfish mountain climbing park. Wish I would have heard of it while there. I have not commented on this ever! Won’t except me!