Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle
Image: the euskadi 11 / CC BY 2.0

Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle

Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Aquarius

Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18

You will be met with frustration and disappointment this week when none of your friends get your Serpico costume. You will feel even worse when you realize that Halloween was over two months ago.

 

Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Pisces

You will get the feeling this week that no one wants to be around you. Try not to take it personally, it’s just the sharts.

 

Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19

Don’t put your money where your mouth is. You don’t want to know where that money has been. Unless you’re into some pretty weird BDSM fantasies involving pretending to be a human piggybank. In that case, you probably will be interested in where that money has been after all.

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Taurus

You may find yourself working with an exciting group of people this week. Or it could just be the same old jerks as always.

 

Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Gemini

Discussions with close friends, children, and romantic partners take on an especially exciting aura today when everyone tries to determine who ate grandma’s Chihuahua.

 

Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Cancer

You will be offered the opportunity to move to a roomier place this week. The optimist in you will find some similarly positive way to view being evicted and living in a field.

 

Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Leo

Two missionaries will come to your home with the intention of saving your soul from eternal damnation. However, being females forbidden by their church from entering a home with no other females present, they will leave you to your dark, endless fate.

 

Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Virgo

Your mind is sharp, quick, and full of great ideas, which will be your only consolation when you are paralyzed from the neck down.

 

Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Libra

Newspapers, books, and TV are apt to bring a lot of new, exciting, and useful information your way this week, like how to mainline the oxycodone your doctor prescribed your mom as well as she does.

 

Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Scorpio

Exciting changes await you this week when you decide to try a new flavor of ramen.

 

Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Sagittarius

This week will bring relief from last week’s anxiety now that you know the LDS Church is once again in the safekeeping of a wealthy white man who is so old that he’s nearly dead — I mean, apotheosized.

 

Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Capricorn

You will be met with frustration and disappointment this week when none of your friends get your Mitt Romney costume. You will feel even worse when you realize that his political career was over six years ago.

 

Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit FrainkleJamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.

Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.

Articles related to “Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle”

Advertisement
SHARE
Previous articlePoll: Happy World Religion Day! Who wins?
Next articleThe difference between attacking bad ideas and attacking people
Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, ever, Jason Gottfried is editor of The Independent as well as a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He has previously been an album reviewer, opinion columnist, humor writer, staff writer, copy editor, and opinion editor of The Independent. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and cannot be accurately referred to using any currently existing pronouns.