Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will be met with frustration and disappointment this week when none of your friends get your Serpico costume. You will feel even worse when you realize that Halloween was over two months ago.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
You will get the feeling this week that no one wants to be around you. Try not to take it personally, it’s just the sharts.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Don’t put your money where your mouth is. You don’t want to know where that money has been. Unless you’re into some pretty weird BDSM fantasies involving pretending to be a human piggybank. In that case, you probably will be interested in where that money has been after all.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
You may find yourself working with an exciting group of people this week. Or it could just be the same old jerks as always.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Discussions with close friends, children, and romantic partners take on an especially exciting aura today when everyone tries to determine who ate grandma’s Chihuahua.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You will be offered the opportunity to move to a roomier place this week. The optimist in you will find some similarly positive way to view being evicted and living in a field.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
Two missionaries will come to your home with the intention of saving your soul from eternal damnation. However, being females forbidden by their church from entering a home with no other females present, they will leave you to your dark, endless fate.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your mind is sharp, quick, and full of great ideas, which will be your only consolation when you are paralyzed from the neck down.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Newspapers, books, and TV are apt to bring a lot of new, exciting, and useful information your way this week, like how to mainline the oxycodone your doctor prescribed your mom as well as she does.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Exciting changes await you this week when you decide to try a new flavor of ramen.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
This week will bring relief from last week’s anxiety now that you know the LDS Church is once again in the safekeeping of a wealthy white man who is so old that he’s nearly dead — I mean, apotheosized.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You will be met with frustration and disappointment this week when none of your friends get your Mitt Romney costume. You will feel even worse when you realize that his political career was over six years ago.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
