I had my eyes opened by an NBC News story about child brides and efforts to close loopholes in marriage laws, especially where violence is involved.
I had my eyes opened by an NBC News story about child brides and efforts to close loopholes in marriage laws, especially where violence is involved.

Should activists put a stop to child brides?

Trivia buffs know that singer Jerry Lee Lewis’s career was nearly destroyed when the public learned that his third wife was his 13-year-old cousin. Our ears prick up when there’s a scandalous news report of a high school teacher eloping with a freshman he has been grooming.

But most of us don’t spend that much time pondering legal age limits for marriage.

Well, I had my eyes opened by an NBC News story about efforts to close loopholes in marriage laws, especially where violence against immigrant women and girls is involved.

Currently, the majority of states allow 16- and 17-year-old youngsters to marry (with some modicum of approval from a parent or judge), and 17 states have absolutely no minimum age at all. Many state legislators are shocked to learn their own laws.

I don’t mean to trivialize a serious issue, but the current situation just begs for lampooning.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe you don’t need to be making lifelong commitments if you’re still forgetting to feed your goldfish while deliberating which Teen Heartthrob of the Week poster to hang.

Maybe you shouldn’t aspire to forming little hands and feet if your own brain is still a decade away from being fully formed. (“This book ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ makes a wicked awesome drink coaster, y’all!”)

Come on, when you ask a bride-to-be, “Where are you registered?,” the answer should be something like “Target, Macy’s and Home Depot,” not “Maple Street Preschool, if I prove I can tie my shoelaces.”

Some child brides marry classmates, but a large percentage of them are winding up with much, much older men. Wedding vows should not involve the groom saying, “I pledge you my heart. And remember, I have dibs on your kidneys and lungs.”

I know some impressionable girls think it’s romantic to be “soulmates” with these guys, but if the soul of one of you has a 30-year head start on jumping out of its mortal shell…

I understand there are sometimes hardship cases for bending the rules; but are there really that many youngsters desperately in need of someone to leave the toilet seat up, forget their birthday and fall asleep in front of the TV?

We have way too many families trying to put a positive spin on arranged marriages. (“Seems like only yesterday this little girl was born into our dysfunctional family – and now she’s starting a dysfunctional family of her own! I need my hanky. Oops, I accidentally snotted all over that fistful of money Future Son-in-Law gave me…”)

I imagine I’ll be inundated with “and we proved ’em all wrong” anecdotes about the perseverance of childhood sweethearts, but common sense tells me those are the exceptions. (“Me and Jim got married right after the spellin’ bee and cranked out a young’un a year until we caught on that Santa Claus never WAS gonna bring us no birth control…”)

I hope the worship of “diversity” doesn’t continue muddying the waters of what amounts to human trafficking. There are cultures and then there are cultures. (“You say your traditions include exotic foods, colorful costumes and lively dances? Mine include slave labor, codes of silence and puppy mill-like productivity. It’s like we’re sister cities!”)

Learn your own state’s policies. Tweak them and carve out reasonable exceptions, but take a stand for sanity.

The viewpoints expressed above are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Independent.

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Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers. Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998. Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper. Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998. Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana. Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

1 COMMENT

  1. YES. Answer. Childhood should be the best part of life. Denying that experience and putting a young human being in an adult context and pushing sexuality at an early age is against nature. Oh yes you can argue from historical perspectives such relationships have existed. And yes you can also add that experiencing hell has been a historical concept as well for young females. Imagine slavery back in Roman times and young women used as sexual chattle. There is no excuse. Male testosterone is the culprit. No more needs to be said.

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