Home Features Dr. G Hits the Spot Dr. G Hits the Spot: Magical dating and magical sex

Dr. G Hits the Spot: Magical dating and magical sex

January 18, 2015

Dear Dr. G.I am single, really frustrated with my sex life, and in the pits about the dating scene here in St. George. I have been in some relationships before, but I feel like there is no one here that I could really like, or anyone who could complete me, or anyone who would want to date me for longer than 1 or 2 dates. I’ve been on a lot of the dating websites, and I don’t feel any less frustrated there. I feel like I have tried to listen to what other people say about me, and I’ve tried to change to be the kind of person they would like and do the things they want me to do in bed, but it never works out. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a magical way to date? Is there something wrong with me?

Alone again

Dear Re-singled,There is no magical way to date. I hope I’m not revealing too much here when I tell you that there isn’t a magical way to do anything, including sex. I only say that because magic doesn’t exist. Bummer, huh? It would be nice to think that at some point you could be browsing the internet or walking along the sidewalk and bump into a dating space filled with magic where you wouldn’t have to put much effort into a relationship. How lovely if the perfect person would just show up all wrapped and tied with a bow and with your name on the tag.

So far, I haven’t heard of that happening. You may or may not be doing something wrong, per se, but if the goal is to find a life partner and you are still single, then I guess something hasn’t gone quite right. But, don’t be distraught just yet. New people join those sites all the time and new people show up on the dating scene in St. George quite frequently as well.

However, the key to getting what you want in a relationship is rarely to change into someone new or figure out what someone wants in bed, it is most often found by looking in the mirror. No, I am not suggesting a hand held between your legs, nor am I suggesting narcissism as a way to attract dates; rather, I’m suggesting that you spend time finding out more about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, your hobbies, what makes you tick, what things trigger you into negative thoughts, what kind of music inspires you, what things irritate you and why, what motivates you, why previous relationships haven’t worked out well, and why you choose certain partners in relationships.

The key to being satisfied in life doesn’t lie in finding someone to complete you or in finding the best sex (although, let’s face it, satisfaction in that regard is awesome). The key to finding peace and well-being is finding satisfaction in the person you’ve become whether you are in a relationship or not. One of the most difficult but important things someone who has been in a failed relationship can do is go through a year of being alone. No dating. No looking for a new partner. No making lists of what they are looking for in a special someone. None of that. One full year – 12 months – 4 seasons of being a single person with no one attached to them. No sex (with someone else). No making out. Nothing. It’s difficult, but it is really an important part of figuring out who we are and why we do what we do.

Time and time again we hear experts and novices alike say that one of the most attractive things in someone else is confidence. When people know how and why to love themselves, they become attractive through the sheer fact that they are genuinely happy.

Genuine happiness is difficult to hide. It’s also easier to be safely vulnerable when we are confident. Safely vulnerable means that we are open to both emotional and verbal honesty from people we meet without fear of ego damage or being offended… whether or not the honesty comes in the form of acceptance. Feeling a genuine sense of self-worth allows for guards to be lowered.

Here’s the deal, just like a moat and a brick wall around a castle protect it from the damage of would-be attackers, so too do our defenses keep us from being hurt from rejection and pain. However, those same defenses keep us from being able to feel love and acceptance. The wise Stephen Covey once said, “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.”

When we take time to understand ourselves and work on the issues that might keep us from feeling confident, we end up with some pretty good self-esteem that allows us to feel safe with other people without those defenses and walls. At that point, we are much more capable of being understood and loved for the qualities we possess.

If you know the sky is blue because you can see it, it won’t matter to you if anyone tells you it is orange. The same goes for self-image. If you know that you are ok, that you have value, and you are confident in what you have to offer the world and a relationship (because you have spent an entire year taking a hard look in the mirror), you will be able to stay in that place of self-worth no matter the response from other people.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” is a great thought from the confident Eleanor Roosevelt It is a sentence many of us would do well to incorporate into our lives.

The money and time you spend getting to know/dating yourself on MeHarmony, OKYOU(pid), and PlentyOf…ReasonsToLikeMyself over the next 12 months will be worth it. I can promise that you’ll be much happier with the end results.

Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank is a licensed associate mental health counselor. She has a bachelor’s degree in special education, and a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. (“Dr. G” is her pen name. She isn’t a REAL doctor.) Get in touch with her at [email protected].

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