Dr. G Hits the Spot: Unmet expectations

Written by Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

Have you ever wondered, “How did I get here?” “Why do I have to pay the price for others’ bad decisions (my parents, my husband, my children)?” or “Why am I continually getting hurt and feeling let down?”  You are not alone if you have those thoughts. Many of us unintentionally give away the power we have over our lives to other people through expectations we place on them, or the unknown.  

I am a single mom with four kids. I am 50 years old, and I have a muffin top.  This is not what I had planned 26 years ago, when I said “I do.” Back then, I thought that if I made good decisions, I could expect my husband to get and keep a job with insurance. I thought I could expect that getting pregnant would be easy. I thought I could expect that buying milk would not cause financial anxiety.  I thought I could expect that my marriage would be fun, fulfilling, and last forever.  I thought I could expect to keep my teenage body well into my 80’s.  Obviously, I had a few false beliefs running my life.  After a few semesters in the college of hard knocks, I’ve learned that even though we have good intentions and make good choices, not one of us is exempt from the silent happiness killer of unmet expectations. 

I live in a neighborhood filled with wonderful people who have been knocked down by life, who have had their expectations shattered. If you take the time to really look around and get to know your neighbors, I’ll bet that your street is a lot like mine.

Neighbor A is recently widowed. He and his wife were madly in love. They were one of those couples everyone wanted to emulate — fun-loving, outgoing, hardworking, energetic, and kind. She died suddenly at work one morning. He is 42 and has three kids.

Neighbor B is gay.  He has been rejected by his family and is struggling to find a support group of friends where he can feel safe being himself.  He is 24.

Neighbor C and her three children are getting used to her new marriage of six months. The blended family situation she is in now has been more difficult than her previous marriage. She is 41.

Neighbor D is now a single mom of three kids after her husband’s suicide. It’s been two years, but her oldest lets her know every day how angry he is at his dad for doing what he did. She has no education, and worries what will happen when the Social Security runs out. She is 29. 

Neighbor E is 33 and single. He desperately wants to get married and start a family, but he has yet to find a girl who is willing to give him a chance.  

Neighbor F, with five kids under age 10, has just learned that her husband suffers from severe bipolar disorder. It explains his inability to get and keep a job for the last few years, but it doesn’t help pay the bills. They are currently trudging through the beginnings of the path of getting help for this diagnosis. She is 38.

I could go on and on.  Not one of those people expected life to take the turns it has.  The truth is, life doesn’t often go as planned, and almost all fairytale expectations remain unmet.  Unmet expectations can have a negative impact on our lives.  They create feelings of powerlessness, and a victim mentality. 

So, what can we do?  Here are four words that create an acronym of peace and relaxation: “AAAH.”  Hopefully, they create the same peace and relaxation in us as we practice them.

Adjust. Oh, and readjust.  If you’re on a flight across the Atlantic and the seat isn’t comfortable, you don’t jump out of the plane or cry for hours to your seatmate, you adjust and then readjust as many times as needed.  So it is with life.  If what you are doing is not working for you, readjust your thinking, your circumstances, or your environment.  

Ask. Maybe there’s an extra pillow in the overhead compartment.  Maybe there isn’t.  But there is no harm in asking if you know it would be helpful. Do what you can for yourself, and then ask for what you need.  If you don’t have the courage to ask for help in life, there is a good chance you won’t get it.  

Accept. The flight is getting you to your desired destination; it just isn’t getting you there the way you had planned. It might even take you to Spain rather than France, but ultimately, it is getting you across the Atlantic.  You don’t have to like it, but by accepting the situation, you can deal with the loss of what was expected, and notice the good that does exist. Most likely, the divergent path is the one that will allow you to experience growth and change in ways you will appreciate.

Be happy. You made the flight because going across the Atlantic is something you like. Remember that your choice was a good one at the time, so find happiness in having no regrets. 

Let unmet expectations and the frustration they bring be history. Believe in good people, but understand that the only person for whom you can have realistic expectations is you. Adjust. Ask. Accept. Be happy. It’s empowering. Open up and say, “AAAH!”