How language and silence impact survivors of sexual violence
By Adele Pincock for DOVE Center
The other day, I was doing some housekeeping on the DOVE Center website to replace outdated language and descriptions on various pages, including one about our services. I wasn’t paying much attention at first — I’d read, edited, or written some version of these descriptions on dozens of occasions, so the material was familiar, almost memorized. But as I got going, I decided to slow down in order to really read what I was typing, and doing so made me both humble and proud about the great work being accomplished at DOVE Center, whose mission is to empower survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault through education and resources that increase safety and promote healing from abuse.
DOVE Center is commonly known for providing safe shelter to domestic violence victims. But over the course of our decades-long existence, the organization has grown, and we are doing so much more now in addition to providing shelter. You may or may not know that DOVE is also our local resource for rape recovery programs, including advocacy, counseling, support groups, and more. Awareness of this program is growing, and more and more survivors are reaching out for support. Last fiscal year, DOVE advocates were dispatched to the hospital to support victims of sexual assault 51 times, a 60 percent increase from the year prior. Our community is not immune to rape and sexual assault and its consequences, and we want to do more to help people understand these crimes and support victims.
April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and as the month winds down, we are taking time to reflect on our observations and experiences. The good news is that sexual assault, harassment, and abuse are no longer hiding in the shadows of society. Day by day, we are hearing and learning more about the impacts sexual violence has on its victims and, by extension, their loved ones, their places of employment, their school campuses, and the broader community at large.
This year, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, or NSVRC, a national leader for survivors, their allies, and advocates chose “Embrace Your Voice” as the theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month in 2018. The intent behind the theme was to highlight the fact that the language we use when talking about sexual violence matters. It also matters when we say nothing and are silent, because sexual violence thrives when it is not taken seriously or victim blaming goes unchecked.
The NSVRC has identified four ways in which we can use our voices to support survivors and end sexual violence in a culture that tends to tolerate abuse and blame its victims.
The first is to simply “embrace your voice” and realize that the words you use every day send a message to your friends, colleagues, classmates, and family about your beliefs and values — including your beliefs and values about sexual assault.
Speaking up for survivors sends a powerful message that you believe and support them. In a 2014 report on violence prevention, the World Health Organization found that one in three women will experience physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner. The chances are good, therefore, that you know a survivor of sexual assault whether they have disclosed it to you or not. If your everyday language taunts or insults victims (“If she was really raped, she would’ve reported it to police”), or blames them (“Well, did you see what she was wearing?”), think of the message that communicates to your friend and others around you. Try to take stock of your language and adjust it when needed to support survivors and hold perpetrators accountable.
The second way to use your voice to prevent sexual violence is to practice everyday consent.
We most commonly hear about the practice of consent in sexual situations. But consent needs to be learned and practiced in everyday situations and in non- or pre-sexual relationships before we can expect it to be asked for and/or given (or not) in sexual situations. As the NSVRC puts it, “Consent is about always choosing to respect personal and emotional boundaries.” Practicing consent means getting permission before touching, tickling, hugging, etc. It means respecting privacy. Consent must be freely given, clear, and enthusiastic — meaning that consent given under pressure or coercion is not truly consent.
Furthermore, laws on the books state that consent cannot be given by a person who is unconscious or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol. In sexual situations, the most important thing to understand is that sex without consent isn’t sex, it’s sexual assault. One key in practicing consent is knowing how to handle the “no.” If you ask and are told “no,” accept the answer, and move on. Don’t pressure someone to change their mind. It’s okay to be disappointed about being told no, but honoring someone’s personal boundaries is not only the right thing to do; it also demonstrates enormous respect for yourself and others.
The third way to use your voice to support survivors and end sexual violence is to practice healthy communication with kids.
We all want our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, and other kids in our lives to feel safe and secure. One way to facilitate that is to teach them that their choices about their bodies are their own and deserve to be respected. Give children the chance to say yes, or no, to kisses from grandma or hugs from uncle Harry, for example, and respect the answer they give. Rejecting affection from a family member might go against your family or cultural norms, which can create friction. Try to find ways to support your values while also teaching children (and other family members for that matter) the importance of boundaries and consent. When it’s time to go, instead of saying, “Give so-and-so a hug and kiss, we’re going now,” consider something like, “It’s time to go, how would you like to say goodbye?”
The fourth way to embrace your voice is to use it to speak clearly and unequivocally against sexual violence of any kind.
Recognize that your voice can become an agent for change when you speak up to support survivors, to challenge victim-blaming stereotypes, and to set the record straight about sexual violence.
Hardly a day goes by anymore without some kind of news of sexual assault, harassment, or abuse. In the last several months, we’ve seen Hollywood moguls, prestigious politicians, prominent businessmen, and famous physicians toppled by repeated and extremely egregious incidents of abuse, leaving hundreds of victims in their wake. It can be disheartening at times, but if we don’t continue to bring these issues into the light of day and hold perpetrators accountable, many survivors will not get the support they need to heal, and abuse and assault will continue unchecked.
We live in a caring community, and we do have the ability to end abuse if we stand together. Those who can need to embrace their voice for the survivors who are still silent, whether by choice or necessity. Let’s each do our part to believe survivors, offer support when we see harassment or abuse, and learn the warning signs of abuse and how to help. If you are a survivor of abuse or sexual assault, DOVE can help. Call our 24-hour helpline anytime. An advocate is ready to take your call at (435) 628-0458.
DOVE Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit dedicated to cultivating an informed community that is free from domestic and sexual violence. To learn more, visit dovecenter.org.
