Medicare wellness exams: Banana, sunrise, chair
It’s just routine: Every year for citizens 65 and older, in order to collect Medicare benefits, you find a doctor, make an appointment, and swallow this new dose of medicine. Once you’ve established your “niche” in the world of Medicare, bills will start coming from Home Health and Hospice instead of the usual vendor Intermountain Health Care.
It’s not about wellness, it’s about dying. This just helps speed the process.
The first of my Medicare wellness exams went like this:
I’m home schooled in mammography. A graduate of colonoscopy, a hysterectomy meant no stirrups, just a prescription for estrogen. The doctor doesn’t look old enough to have a driver’s license and wears hiking boots, Levis, and plaid shirt. Polite and attentive, for a kid.
“Do you fall?” he asks.
“Fall?”
“Do you have good balance? Do you fall down?”
“Only when I’m skateboarding.” His side glance comes quickly.
“Remember these three words. I’ll ask you to repeat them: banana, sunrise, chair.”
“OK, banana, sunrise, chair.”
Ears, nose, throat: negative. Reflexes normal. Heart abnormalities: none. Abdominal discomfort, no. He has me draw a clock showing the time to be 1:15.
“Perfect, very nice.”
Like I’m a preschooler.
Any complaints, Mrs. Leth?”
I thought he’d never ask.
“Yes, chronic UTI’s, my bladder’s a swamp, mosquitoes, algae, the EPA….”
His side glance, disgusted this time, “We’ll need a urine sample.”
“What are the three words again?”
“Uhhh, banana, sunrise, chair,” I repeated.
“How is your short-term memory?”
“Perfect, not a problem.”
In the shower this morning, I remembered I’d already been there. Getting ready for bed last night, I was wearing two pairs of underwear. No problem!
“Can you tell me those words again?”
“Yes, eggs, milk, bread.”
“Hummm, the three words Mrs. Leth?”
“Oh, sorry. banana, sunrise, chair, I’m on my way to Wal-Mart.
Another side glance.
“Age-activated disorders, negative. You’re in perfect shape for your age. Do you have an email address?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good, you can go to mywellness.com, set up a password, and look for the results of your lab work.”
“Oh, very convenient, thank you.”
Me, remember one more password? I left the water running in the shrubs for three days. I wrote checks on the bank where the money wasn’t. He thinks I’ll remember lab work?
At home, I wandered around muttering to myself, “Banana, sunrise, chair; Banana, sunrise, chair,” wishing I had a map and compass so I could find the bathroom.
I just had my wellness “exam” yesterday morning. I was all set for the “apple, penny, watch” routine that they had been using for several years, so I was thrown for a loop when the nurse gave me three new ones, which I didn’t bother to repeat.
Then the dreaded 11:10 clock sketch.
“Now, what were those three words again?”
“Uhhh, banana, sunset, and I forgot.”
“Now let’s check your blood pressure.”
These tests are very intimidating and hope they stop doing them. A good Dr will know her patients well enough to determine if that type of test is necessary. Many of my age related friends are now refusing to take this test. I have had 5 of them including stays in rehab facilities. I suffer from high blood pressure so therefore my bld pressure rises through the roof knowing I have to take this test.