These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
The Sun/Neptune link suggests that everyone is out to get you. If a hot ball of gas and a cold ball of gas say it’s true, who are you to argue?
You have a magnetic personality. Like, you know how two magnets repel each other? Yeah, it’s a lot like that.
It’s been eight years since you’ve seen your genitals. You aren’t going to be any less of a pig this holiday season, so you may as well send them a postcard. It’s not like there’s much to see, anyway.
I’m sorry, Taurus. I don’t have a horoscope for you this week. You’re so unimportant that an omniscient koala can’t even be bothered to make up a horoscope about you — I mean, consult the stars on your behalf.
You will be a wealthy bachelor after coming into a large sum of money this week! Taking out a big policy on your house before burning your family alive in it was a smart move.
By socializing more, you may be inspired to join a group or try an activity that you’ve never tried before, like butt sex.
November is the month to reflect on all the things you’re grateful for like family and friends. Since all of yours suck, maybe be grateful for the time you have until you have to pretend like you like them all at Christmas.
Good things will happen to you if you demonstrate faith in the universe by sending me $20. What? It works for televangelists, why not a dreamy blue eyed koala?
Take that big risk this week. Love knows no limits! Just remember that the human body does know limits, lots of them…and that’s why god created safe words.
You’ve been asking yourself a lot of hard questions lately. It’s okay to answer them honestly. I mean, it’s not like you can unfriend yourself on social media like everyone else would if they knew the truth about you, you funny little freak.
Most of the year is now behind you, so is an axe wielding maniac. No! Don’t look now. You’re going to make him self-conscious.
In your eternal quest for companionship resist the urge to start sniffing strangers. That works for dogs not people.
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