These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.You may think you’re eating candy corn this week, but it’s really just regular corn. Monsanto doesn’t know where the line is.
Two angels will appear at your doorstep. But because they will have large, magnificent wings, you’ll dismiss them as trick-or-treaters, give them bite-size PayDay bars, and close the door, plunging mankind into 500 years of darkness. (Angels are allergic to peanuts, genius.)
You will ensure your place in history this week by pioneering a daring new sexual maneuver called the “Monster Mash,” after which you will also accompany six people to the emergency room for severe internal bleeding.
When what appears to be a zombie comes knocking at your door asking for candy, let him in and wash his feet. It’s your lord and savior, Jesus Christ risen from the dead. But don’t let your guard down, because he _is_ looking for brains.
All the powers in the Universe came together to make all of your dreams possible today, but since you’re still dealing with a hangover from last night’s Halloween party don’t expect much to come of it.
A trip to a local haunted house will trigger memories of an old man sewing you together from scavenged body parts. They’re false memories. What actually happened is your dad sewed your penis back onto your drunken, unconscious body after you tried to mow the lawn naked again.